Last night’s Top Chef continued to bring out the big (judging) guns, as Food & Wine editor-in-chief Dana Cowin (who happens to be Facebook friends with Ed) arrived to judge the Quickfire. She came with wines in tow and asked the chefs to choose a wine and create a dish to pair with it. Ed and Tiffany headed for the Wagyu ribeye, while Kevin, originally convinced he could braise big hunks of pork belly in less than an hour, had to settle for quail. In the end, Padma, wearing a weird suit, gave the win — and a trip to London — to Angelo for his sautéed foie gras with black-salt-and-fennel salad.

Over a commercial break, Padma then drew out the announcement that the chefs would go to Singapore for the finale, which we already knew. Shocking no one, Angelo couldn’t contain his excitement to go to Asia. But first, the elimination challenge, which sent the chefs to NASA’s Goddard Space Flight Center/the set they used for Apollo 13. A NASA scientist with very shiny braces and some astronauts via satellite from the international space station instructed the chefs to, sigh, create a dish that was “out of this world.” The winner’s dish would get freeze dried and sent into space, so the cheftestants had to follow some space guidelines, including use of spices, cutting things into smaller pieces, and cutting back on the sugar.

Ed decided to go Moroccan, Angelo decided to sketch his dish out and crash his shopping cart into a random lady, and Tiffany decided to moonwalk. Back in the kitchen, we finally got to see Tom take some time to chat with the chefs and reflect on their work so far (and also make fun of Kelly for being a space-loving nerd). Tiffany shared an awesome picture of her teenage self working at IHOP, but this happy memory was short-lived once she discovered her mussels had accidentally frozen and died, and that she would have to change her dish. “We have a problem,” she said, forgetting to address this remark to Houston.

At service, the parade of impressive guest judges continued, including appearances by Buzz Aldrin, Anthony Bourdain, and a number of other astronauts. Tom asked Buzz Aldrin how the moon was, and Buzz told him “magnificent.” DUH, TOM. What else was he going to say? That it was lame? (Though, to be fair, we suppose he could have yelled about it.)

The judges found pluses and minuses with every dish. Kelly nailed the artichokes she served with her pan-roasted halibut, but didn’t take risks. Ripert found Ed’s yogurt-marinated rack of lamb with eggplant purée and a couscous croquette too complicated, but Bourdain thought he hit the Moroccan flavors perfectly. Tiffany’s pan-seared halibut with coconut curry and pea shoots didn’t connect, and Ed’s grilled New York–strip steak with bacon-jalapeño marmalade and onion rings was well-cooked but safe, so the win went to Angelo for his ginger-lacquered short ribs with horseradish crème fraîche and pea purée. It turns out that “making love” to your food can give you a challenge win (as well as a copy of Bourdain’s book, a trip to Cape Canaveral, and a Toyota Avalon). So, so sadly, Padma sent Tiffany home, who graciously accepted defeat. We wanted to cry with her. We guess we’ll root for Ed now, even though we know he’s not really from Queens.

Next week: We’re going to Singapore! Cooking on the street! Padma yells at Kevin! Tom yells at everyone!

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You can feel Ripert’s anger over the skewer length.

Last night’s Top Chef finally dropped the pea purée discussion so Ed could walk around in Tiffany’s dress. That was some walk of shame! (Kidding, Tiffany’s fiancé, kidding.) Sadly, Ed didn’t wear it to the Quickfire, where Padma made a number of terrible jokes before announcing that the challenge was to create a dish based on a food idiom, ranging from “bigger fish to fry” to “spill the beans.” Because we all know how much D.C. loves idioms! Wait, what?

Ed announced that he doesn’t like Amanda because she’s an annoying slob, but Angelo thought she was the dark horse. Turned out Angelo was wrong, as Amanda’s “big cheese” macaroni and cheese with bacon, jalapeños, and a pork chop ended up in the bottom, along with Kelly’s “sour grapes” pan-roasted chicken with caramelized Brussels sprouts. Guest judge Rick Moonen from RM Seafood/Top Chef Masters liked Kevin’s “bring home the bacon” bacon three ways, but gave the win to Ed’s “hot potato” herb-and-garlic-roasted gnocchi with spring vegetables. He scored his dish being turned into a frozen meal, which Angelo applauded, as he could see Ed’s face on some packaging.

For the elimination challenge, the cheftestants were asked to cater a Washington Nationals baseball game, working as a team to create “fine-dining versions of ballpark food.” Angelo was excited because, being half Dominican, he loves baseball. Way to stereotype yourself (however, Angelo, if you know Robinson Cano, please call us). We also learned that Ed, despite trying to rep Queens, is actually a Red Sox fan and should therefore lose immediately (not that we’re biased). Everything was all fine and dandy until the chefs realized that someone would need to take orders at the game. Angelo stepped up, only to back down briefly before Ed agreed to help plate his food for him, mostly to shut up Kevin’s screaming. However, even though Kevin went on a yelling spree, Tiffany still offered to taste his food and offer up honest criticism, remarking, “no one’s going home because of me.” Tiff, girl, you better win this!

Ballpark-goers ordered a lot of Kelly’s open-faced crab cake* BLT with sweet-potato fries, as well as Tiffany’s messy Italian-sausage meatball sub with fennel, pesto, and fresh mozzarella, but the judges gave the win to Ed’s wonderfully textured, tidy shrimp-and-corn-risotto fritters. Kelly ended up in the bottom, along with Angelo’s sweet-glazed pork on a too-bready hot-dog bun; Kevin’s super-long-skewered chicken with romesco sauce, shoestring fries, and paprika aïoli; and Amanda’s gray tuna tartar with Meyer lemon and fava-bean purée. Amanda wanted them to judge based on taste, but ultimately the judges couldn’t get over the unappealing oxidation of her fish, and sent her home. No surprise there.

*Commenters: Didn’t Amanda say during the planning session that she wanted to make a crab cake, and Kelly steered her toward fish instead? But then Kelly made a crab cake? Is she responsible for Amanda’s loss?

Next week: NASA! Another corny challenge! Buzz Aldrin! The last challenge before the finals! Until then, please enjoy this clip of Angelo discussing his Russian fiancé, whom he’s only seen “a couple times.” Is he marrying a mail-order bride?!

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The big names came out again on last night’s Top Chef, with this episode’s guest-judging duties going to Wylie Dufresne and CIA director Leon Panetta. We’d like to think this, and the return of Eric Ripert, is a reward for sticking with the season, but we’re guessing it’s because August is ratings month. Anywho, the Quickfire asked the chefs to create a dish using ingredients from not one, not two, not three, but four mystery boxes, carted out by extras from Men in Black.

The mystery ingredients ranged from normal (rock fish, passion fruit) to less common (ramps, black garlic). Angelo appeared to be falling apart without having Kenny there to battle/bromance with, and sweated into his food “for the first time.” Please tell us this is not a regular occurrence. And of course, almost everyone complained about Alex, who finally noticed, saying, “This situation kind of sucks. I’m not getting along with anybody in the kitchen. I don’t care.” You know what else sucks? Being in the bottom, which Alex was for his rockfish with fava-bean purée and ramp fondue, along with Amanda for her crispy-skin striped bass, squid fricassée, and leek-and-mushroom fondue (Future chefs, take note: do not fondue things that are not cheese or chocolate). Despite not being amused by the task (”I don’t like surprises and I don’t like this challenge”), Tiffany took the win for her fish stew with hominy, fava beans, and saffron. She also won another $10K, ensuring that her upcoming wedding will be awesome.

Padma informed the chefs that they were “recruited as secret agents by the CIA” for the elimination challenge, and we’re not sure what infuriated us more: the fact that Padma referred to the challenge like the show was actually Top Chef Kids, or that the cheftestants reacted like they really were now secret agents (oh Lord, someone’s going to develop that into a show now, aren’t they?). “I could seduce some secrets out of the KGB,” said Amanda, who always wanted to be a spy named Natasha with a garter. Tiffany just loved La Femme Nikita, but Alex’s favorite spy is from Get Smart because “he had a phone for a shoe.” OF COURSE that is Alex’s favorite spy.

The real adult challenge was to give a new identity to a classic dish by disguising its appearance but keeping its flavors the same, which really wasn’t a bad idea. They also got to cook at the CIA kitchen, which Ed hilariously checked for hidden cameras and speakers. While most chefs got the flavors down fairly well, many struggled with the “disguise” aspect of the challenge. “I’m thinking I didn’t disguise it enough. Helen Keller could guess what this dish is,” an interviewed Amanda said, offensively. Considering Padma stressed that the dish had to be immediately recognizable by flavor, we’d hope for her sake that Ms. Keller could indeed recognize it.

The top three honor went to Tiffany’s elegant, deconstructed gyro; Ed’s inside-out chicken cordon bleu; and Kelly’s kung pow shrimp as soup. Even though silver fox Eric Ripert thought Ed’s dish was perfectly executed, he gave the win — and the free trip to Paris — to Tiffany (the dark horse! We called it).

Alex’s veal parmigiana disguised as tortellini, Amanda’s French-onion soup with oxtail marmalade, and Angelo’s beef Wellington tartlet took the bottom spots. Amanda’s dish wasn’t disguised at all, and Angelo’s dry store-bought puff pastry (used even though that’s what felled crazy-dreadlocks guy in the first episode) almost sent him home, but ultimately (thankfully) the judges told Alex to pack his knives. Of course, of course, he didn’t leave before he brought up the freaking pea purée yet again. Oh Alex, crazy Jewish uncle Amanda never had, we will not miss you.

Next week: We’re going to a ball game! Running concession stands! Kevin yells at everyone! Raw fish!

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Filed Under: top chef, cia, overnights, recaps, seriously what is with the pea puree, top chef d.c., tv, wylie dufresne

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The producers spared us the usual five minutes of nonsense at the start of Top Chef last night to save space for everyone’s favorite challenge: Restaurant Wars! But first, the Quickfire, which featured the classic blindfolded tag-team cook-off. Kevin picked Kenny, Kelly, and Amanda to join him on the blue team, while Ed picked Tiffany (duh), Angelo, and last-man-left Alex for red. For a second we thought it was weird that Kevin would pick Kelly before Angelo, but then we remembered how much the producers love the Battle of Kenny and Angelo and realized he was probably forced to.

The blue team killed it during cooking, with each successive chef understanding exactly what to do next, while the red team struggled, oversalting their roasted red snapper after Alex seasoned it too early. The brief appearance from actual-big-D.C.-name Nancy Pelosi brought out excitement in all the chefs, but none as much as Kelly, who has her same haircut. Nancy, after explaining that Congress’s motto for every meeting is “first, we eat,” gave the win to the blue team’s sautéed shrimp with angel-hair pasta in mustard sauce with marinated tomatoes and basil. Cue interviews of everyone on the red team complaining about Alex. We’d feel bad, but based on his performance we’re going to have to agree with the other cheftestants that he needs to leave.

For the elimination challenge, standard Restaurant Wars rules applied: three courses, with two options available for each course, and everyone had to be responsible for at least one dish. The red team devolved into chaos as soon as they hit Restaurant Depot and stayed that way through both kitchens. As in the Quickfire, most of the blame fell on Alex, whose kitchen work was mostly made up of prep. Angelo tried to run around fixing his mistakes, which included gaffes like leaving scales and bones on pieces of fish, getting so worked up that even Kenny was concerned. “You don’t want to see me mad,” warned Angelo. The blue team, meanwhile, stayed cool as cucumbers, though Angelo pointed out/foreshadowed that it’s dangerous to be too confident.

The red team’s distrust of Alex put him at the front of house, where he proceeded to introduce himself to the servers by saying, “I’m the chef here. You guys are helping me out today.” His rudeness stood out even more when contrasted with Kelly’s kind, quiet manner with her team’s servers. This behavior extended into service, with Alex not even noticing when the judges, including guest judge Frank Bruni, arrived at “Mediterranean inspired” EVOO (Rachael Ray would be so pleased). From the first course, they loved Angelo’s confit tomato soup with olive crouton and squash, but found Tiffany’s crudo of black bass and yellow-tail snapper too salty. Tiffany’s second course of seared striped bass with clams, chorizo, and spinach also fell a bit flat, but Frank was a huge fan of Ed’s baked turbot with eggplant caviar and black olive jus. And while they found the third course’s seared lamb with Parmesan foam and pea purée well cooked, they didn’t think the sautéed rib eye with crushed walnut potatoes was very Mediterranean-y. Needless to say, Alex did not see them out.

Kelly (who pronounced Frank’s last name as Bru-NI, like he was French) definitely provided much better service at “progressive American” 2121, but the food didn’t quite please the judges’ palates. Kelly’s first-course corn soup didn’t have corn flavor, while Kenny’s beet salad with endives and chroizo-citrus vinaigrette had too much going on, and everyone hated Amanda’s New York strip steak with Swiss chard, maitake mushrooms, and sunchokes (though perhaps not as much as they hated Kenny’s “monstrosity” of fried goat cheese on strawberry-rhubarb relish). The only dish they seemed to all love was Kevin’s pan-roasted halibut with fennel marmalade, tomato-fennel emulsion, and white beans.

Despite the team’s disorganization and Alex’s incompetence, the red team managed to pull off a win thanks to Ed’s perfectly cooked turbot, which grabbed the individual win. [Side note: Queens represent!]. The losing blue team was shocked, though Gail pointed out that diners don’t judge a restaurant based on what happens in the kitchen, but what comes out of it. This was a fair point, but Kenny and Kevin found it absurd, letting the judges know that Alex barely did anything in the kitchen (see clip below). Frank made some great metaphors, comparing the sauce on Amanda’s terrible steak to a great pair of shoes with a mediocre suit, but, very surprisingly, Kenny went home, marking the first time we’ve been surprised by a decision. You’d rather keep Amanda over Kenny, judges? Really? We’ll let this one slide, but we expect Alex in the bottom next episode.

Next week: We’re going to see the inside of the CIA! Angelo uses store-bought puff pastry! Angelo feels lost! Wylie Dufresne!

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Filed Under: top chef, frank bruni, nancy pelosi, overnights, pea puree again?, recaps, restaurant wars, top chef d.c., tv

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Everyone was still talking about last week’s pea-purée fiasco on last night’s Top Chef, but thankfully Ed dropped the pea talk in time for the Quickfire, which required the chefs to make a dish inspired by the international cuisine that dominates in D.C.: Ethiopian food. Guest judge Marcus Samuelsson explained some Ethiopian basics, including berbere spice and injera, a spongy bread often used as a utensil.

Except for Ed, Kenny, and Angelo, none of the chefs claimed to be familiar with the cuisine. We’re thinking they got some additional priming that we didn’t see, because everyone made a spiced meat with some sort of yogurt sauce. Kevin, Stephen, and Alex found themselves in the bottom, while Amanda (stewed goat on grilled injera), Angelo (berbere-spiced doro wat chicken with egg, mango yogurt, and mint), and Tiffany (beef goulash with poached egg, currants, peppers, and yogurt) nabbed the top spots. Tiffany took the win, which was completely unsurprising considering the producers spent a good minute showing footage of her remarking that she was ready to win. Oh Bravo, it’s not foreshadowing if you do it every time.

For the elimination challenge, Padma and Marcus rolled out a chalkboard with nine countries on it, explaining that each chef would make a dish inspired by the country they chose. The breakdown: Tiffany: Mexico; Kelly: Italy; Amanda: France; Kenny: Thailand; Alex: Spain; Angelo: Japan (shocking); Kevin: India; Ed: China, Stephen: Brazil. Kenny offhandedly mentioned that he’s fought cancer and had four surgeries, so he wants to win. Wait, what? Shouldn’t we spend a little more time on that? Nope! The producers instead decided to cut to a shot of Stephen, who doesn’t know about Brazilian food, buying Brazil nuts. Oy. Meanwhile, Alex was sure he’d be fine because he’s been to Spain and loved it, and Tiffany was excited to cook Mexican because she’s from Texas.

This week’s episode actually featured quite a number of silly moments. At the kitchen, Alex falling and almost hitting his head on an oven. At the house, Kenny in his boxers, Kelly receiving a care package of stuffed animals, candy, and booze, and, of course, Angelo wrapping the toilet seat in plastic wrap.

The next day in Serious Chef Land, the chefs had to serve their dishes to 100 ambassadors, dignitaries, and diplomats, with just chafing dishes available on site. While we appreciate that the producers actually rounded up some foreign dignitaries, why were they only able to match dignitaries from Italy and China? A Swedish person remarked on the Brazilian food, while an Austrian diplomat talked about the Japanese cuisine. Surely someone, anyone, from Japan was available?

The top three included Tiffany’s deconstructed chicken tamales with queso fresco and tomatillo sauce, Kevin’s stewed chicken in his own curry with leek and parsnip purée and crispy lentils, and Kelly’s beef carpaccio with spring-vegetable salad and parmigiano reggiano. Tiffany took her second win of the episode, with other guest judge Jose Andres remarking that her food really looked and tasted like Mexico. (Being from Texas probably helped her.) She also snagged $10,000 both for herself and for charity. (Sidenote: Anyone else think she’s this season’s less-kooky Carla? She’s another genuinely nice chef who’s happy to be there and who starts pulling ahead halfway into the season.)

Alex, Stephen, and Ed (despite being familiar with China, having had Chinese girlfriends) landed in the bottom three for braised veal cheeks with jamón torta and olive-and-tomato salad; flank steak in chimichurri sauce with black beans and rice; and tea-smoked duck breast with pot stickers in Szechuan jus, respectively. Alex tried to describe his dish as tapas, but Jose said it was like a little nightmare. Ed could have cooked his duck better and underdelivered, but in the end the judges couldn’t get over the fact that Stephen overcooked his rice, and sent him home. “I’m disappointed of my fatal errors,” he exit interviewed. We’re disappointed with your terrible grammar, Stephen.

Next week: restaurant wars! Finally! Angelo doesn’t allow talking in the kitchen! Kevin goes off on someone! Kelly’s front-of-house outfit is an oversize sweatshirt!

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Last night’s Top Chef finally paid proper homage to its home city by bringing in special local traditions like complaining and some political guests. We skipped government class for AP microeconomics, but our education gap was filled during the high-stakes Quickfire. Padma instructed the chefs to serve their dish on a toothpick to guest judge Representative Aaron Schock of Illinois, as the Ethics Committee requires that food served to congressmen be on toothpicks, lest their votes be swayed by lavish meals. Who knew?

Unfortunately, the Quickfire also served as a flashback to season five, better known as Top Scallops. Kelly, Stephen, and Alex all decided to make them, and Alex (who referred to Stephen as a “talented culinarian,” which we’re pretty sure isn’t actually a word — Microsoft Word agrees) and Kelly unsurprisingly landed in the bottom three. Can we get Fabio in as a guest judge to put a stop to this, please? Angelo proclaimed at the start of the Quickfire that he “actually want[ed] to be creative” … but made Asian-inspired food as usual. Stephen’s scallop ended up in the top with Kevin’s grilled-pork-and-mushroom kabob and Angelo’s cucumber cup with spiced shrimp and cashews, but Angelo grabbed the win. Cut to the standard shot of Kenny looking pissed.

The elimination challenge brought in the other D.C. tradition of the power lunch at the Palm and asked the chefs to serve 24 regulars using five ingredients found on the menu — lamb chops, lobster, swordfish, porterhouse, and salmon. Angelo and Ed were concerned by the four-pound “mutant” lobsters, having never seen specimens so large. Angelo was also worried about the challenge itself, not being too familiar with power lunches, but Kevin had served a mayor before, so he was confident he knew what the diners would want. Kelly was just certain that Amanda needed to go home.

Of course, not everyone was so confident. When the chefs went home that night, Alex still wasn’t even sure what he was making. Perhaps it was because he was distracted by the awesome wardrobe choices of his fellow cheftestants — Kenny walked around in his Black Angus robe, while Andrea rocked a skull-and-bacon-crossbones shirt that we want in our closet.

At the Palm the next day (with Tom looming in the background), the main kitchen drama surrounded Ed/Alex’s pea purée. Ed made pea purée in the Hilton kitchen the day before, but couldn’t find it upon arrival at the Palm. Alex, despite no previous shots of peas, had a lovely pea purée at the restaurant kitchen. Most of the other chefs, including Ed, thought this was bullshit and that Alex stole Ed’s pea purée. Our DVR sound cut off when Alex was talking about his purée, so we turn to you, readers: Did he make it himself and there was strategic editing, or did he steal Ed’s?

The chefs served quite a plethora of guest judges, including Joe Scarborough, Art Smith, Luke Russert, and Savannah Guthrie (hi, NBC synergy!). It was a little hard to keep track of everyone, but for the most part the judges agreed on their love of Tiffany’s swordfish with olive-raisin tapenade and broccolini with bacon, Ed’s butter-poached lobster ballontine with eggplant caviar and English peas, and Alex’s applewood-smoked salmon with black forbidden rice and the infamous English pea purée. The pea purée was the judges’ favorite component of the night, and Alex took the win (remember that Carla won for her peas last season — future cheftestants, take note). We have never seen anyone look so mad as Ed looked as Alex celebrated his win. So much for world peas!

The bottom dishes were Kelly’s porterhouse with crispy potato-arugula salad and shallot demi glace, Andrea’s pan-seared swordfish with vanilla Israeli couscous, and Kevin’s double-cut lamb with olive-and-goat-cheese rissole. The judges were unhappy about Kelly’s oversalted meat, but ultimately asked Andrea to go home, as they could tell through her cooking that she wasn’t happy making swordfish. Kelly seemed pretty upset with Andrea’s loss, hugging her sadly for a long time, but Padma wanted none of it, snapping “that will be all” after the hug went on too long. Guess those judges’ tables really do last up to five hours.

Next week: Cooking for ambassadors! No one likes Alex! Marcus Samuelsson! And Stephen doesn’t think Brazilian cuisine exists!

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Top Chef’s producers know how creepy Angelo is, and the challenges in last night’s episode enhanced this quality. Hence the Quickfire, which asked the chefs to cook using exotic proteins ranging from yak to llama to duck white kidneys — which, as Angelo discovered only after he selected them, are not kidneys at all, but testicles. “I just poked around the testicles, and it’s kind of soft,” Angelo remarked creepily, as he decided to make a testicle marshmallow. That is one s’more we would not want to try.

A number of chefs freaked out, but none so strongly as Andrea, who wasn’t so much concerned about her protein, but about guest judge Michelle Bernstein, her fellow curly-blonde-haired rival in Miami. The rest were troubled by their dish; it took Amanda quite a long time to figure out how to break into her emu eggs (with a hack saw, in case you decide to try this at home). Just as she was ready to get crackin’, Padma strolled in with a curveball, perhaps because Angelo was getting a little too pokey with those testicles.

She announced that the chefs had to stop what they were doing and begin cooking with the protein to their left, sticking Kevin with the duck balls. “I have never worked with duck testicles or any testicles,” Kevin panicked unnecessarily, as Stephen, Alex, and Andrea made the worst dishes. Kelly took the win for her goat-cheese-and-emu-egg omelette, giving her both immunity and a pass from cooking in the elimination challenge. Considering she couldn’t tell the difference between the emu yolks and whites, she got a pretty good deal.

Speaking of the elimination challenge, the judges really hammered home that the name of the prepare-a-cold-dish challenge — where the chefs would be judged by their peers — was the Cold War. Both the chefs and judges mentioned the Cold War so many times that we began to wonder if this was some sort of product placement for history. The chefs planned their menus on a boat ride around the Potoma, and Captain Kenny Obvious pointed out that the paranoia during the Cold War tied into how the chefs felt about being judged by their peers. The Cold War boat ride was certainly a hotbed of scheming, as Angelo hopped around offering advice while the others glared suspiciously, and Ed and Tiffany whispered sweet nothings to each other on the side of the ship. Ed wasn’t too worried about Angelo’s scheming and creeping, as he used to bang Angelo’s girlfriend in college.

Back on the mainland, Angelo picked out some “sexy” salmon while Tamesha got scary. After trying as hard as she could to be P.C. about Amanda (”she needs to take a chill pill,” “we have personality differences”) she suddenly threw in, “I could probably strangle her in a heartbeat.” Whoa. This is Top Chef, not Survivor (or Top Scallops, as Tamesha later learned).

Group A (Kevin, Ed, Kenny, Amanda, and Alex) cooked first, with Group B (Tiffany, Angelo, Tamesha, Steven, Andrea) judging, and boy, was this group harsh. Angelo and Tamesha hated on pretty much every dish, but Tom called them out on complaining about a lack of acidity in Kevin’s tuna and veal with romaine, pine nuts, and Mediterranean condiments, as the dish had both tomato and lemon. Since they ended up picking Kevin as the winner of the group, we’re guessing the acidity was just fine. Andrea’s main problem was with the chunk of cartilage she found in Amanda’s chicken galantine, but the chefs ultimately voted Kenny and his grilled-lamb salad and lamb carpaccio into the bottom.

Group A was a lot easier on Group B, even though as soon as they sat down Tom gushed, “You should have heard what they said about your food, oh my God.” The chefs quickly voted Tiffany’s peppercorn-and fennel-crusted ahi tuna in gazpacho the group winner, while knocking Tamesha’s seared scallops with rhubarb jus, long pepper, and basil into the bottom. The judges were quite happy with the top two and gave the win to Kevin, who also won a six-night trip to Hawaii. As for the bottom two, the judges took issue with Kenny’s use of too many ingredients and flavors. Kenny stood by his dish, arguing that he got voted into the bottom because he posed a huge threat. Guest judge Michelle snappily replied that not knowing our Mr. Black Angus, she could talk to the end of the show about each piece of his dish. Despite her rant, the loss went to Tamesha’s overpowering pepper and weirdly cooked scallops. We’re sorry, but DUH. Was anyone really surprised? Were you expecting food to win out over potential drama? The battle of Kenny and Angelo is just too good to send him home so soon.

Next week: Tiffany flirts with Ed even though she’s engaged! Kenny drops his food! Alex steals Ed’s pea purée! But how will Angelo take the loss of his ladyfriend?!

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Last night’s Top Chef gave us the flirtier side of the contestants. Ed and Tiffany channeled Hosea and Leah, giggling together, trusting each other, and telling each other when they were going to shower. Angelo and Tamesha looked like they had a thing going, too, but Angelo immediately moved things to the creepy side of the spectrum by commenting, “There’s an inner passion, but she holds it in. That’s something I’d really like to extract from her.” Like a lemon?

The Quickfire presented the chefs with a table full of wriggling crabs, causing our boyfriend to swoon and us to shudder (we prefer to see our crabs in cake form, rather than waving their claws meekly as they slowly die in a hot oven. Also, last night we learned that crabs still move around after you’ve chopped them in half). Angelo, a big fan of the overshare, told the audience that he once had crabs — not the Maryland kind. That’s nice.

Shockingly, no one made crab cakes, aiming mostly for chowders and salads instead. Our hometown boy Ed grabbed the win for his jumbo lump crab with Thai basil, mango, and cucumber salad, while Angelo, who made blue-crab broth with lemongrass and ginger, stood to the side, flabbergasted that someone would make something more Asian than him. You may have the monopoly on STD sharing, Angelo, but you’re not the only one who can cook with Asian flavors. Ed remarked that he was just happy that he was coming out of his shell, oblivious to his fantastic pun.

For the elimination challenge, the chefs traveled to Virginia’s first certified organic and humane farm, where they had to work as one to serve family-style dishes to 40 local farmers and chefs. But first, they had to go back to the house and plan their meal. Kenny and Angelo both took charge and began arguing the second the group sat down, surprising absolutely no one. Tim looked distraught; Andrea called it a train wreck; and Tiffany just leaned back and said, “Lord mercy!” “We’re grown up enough that we should act like civilized human beings,” Tamesha told the camera, a reality-show contestant who has clearly not watched a reality show.

Even rural farms are not free from product placement — the chefs commented about how awesome the Toyota Mobile Pantry was numerous times. Angelo took time out of the three cooking hours to be creepy, calling Tamesha Tamesha’s cherry compote “tart, luscious, super sexy” as well as referring to his cooking technique as “making love to that duck.” However, making love to his food didn’t put him in the top four — that honor was reserved for Kevin (whose fallen cauliflower and fear of cow pies led him to make broccoli couscous with lemon zest), Kenny (hot-and-sour curried eggplant with peppers and carrot tops), Andrea (garlic and five-spiced grilled pork, which was cooked perfectly despite her many, many fears about over- and undercooking it), and Kelly (five-spice-roasted apples and beets to go with the pork, plus a strawberry-rhubarb crisp). Guest judge Patrick O’Connell of the Inn at Little Washington thought Kevin’s fallen veggies were fortuitous, and Tom loved Andrea’s sauce, but the win went to Kenny and his curry that even Padma praised. Kenny also earned several nicknames this week, including (but not limited to): Isaac Hayes, Big Daddy, Black Angus, Black Magic, and the Beast.

Tim’s roasted turnips and asparagus with honey, Amanda’s country-vegetable minestrone, and Stephen’s farm salad with balsamic onion, egg, and apple landed in the bottom, which wasn’t a surprise considering Bravo’s love of foreshadowing (Stephen: “I’m showing how many different components you can fit in a salad.” Amanda: “I feel totally confident. Progresso, eat your heart out.” Tim: “The bottom never came to my mind. They can’t be serious”). The judges pointed out that Stephen’s wet, overseasoned salad shouldn’t have been served in a tiny bowl, but the ultimate burn went to Amanda, who received a serious cooking-school lesson for her minestrone:

Tom: When we cook, why do we cut things uniformly?
Amanda: So they all cook the same way.
Tom: Why did you not cut things uniformly?

And don’t even get Eric Ripert started on the fact that her soup didn’t have pasta, a main ingredient in classic minestrone. But despite Amanda’s talking-to, Tim took the loss for his flavorless turnips. Sorry, Tim; looks like they were serious about you being on the bottom.

Next week: Angelo plays favorites! The others get suspicious! Alex sabotages Amanda! The guest judge is … the other chefs!

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Tom needs more glaze and it’s only breakfast.

Last night’s Top Chef never really left the Hilton kitchen, perhaps since last week’s Just Desserts shilling gave the producers a hunger for more product placement. For the (Dial-sponsored) high-stakes Quickfire, the chefs entered the kitchen to find a display of baby toys. “They can’t have us cooking baby food!” exclaimed Tim, who apparently has not watched a second of any reality-competition show ever. Tom and Padma, who have a new 8-month-old and 2-month-old, respectively, asked the cheftestants to create an adult dish and a baby-friendly version. Technically, the only cuisine appropriate for 2-month-olds is breast milk or formula, but we’ll let that slide owing to procurement difficulties.

Every chef with a child immediately began pining for home, while childless chefs like Alex complained that they “practice making babies, not baby food.” Sadly, Tom and Padma, and not their surely adorable children, tasted the food. Tom gave his winning pick to Tamesha’s vegetable chowder with licorice flavor and grilled salmon, while Padma gave hers to Kenny’s curried chicken with Bulgar wheat and mushrooms. Angelo, of course, glared in the background while we tried to think of a single child who would prefer puréed duck to mashed bananas.

The elimination challenge, to be cooked in the Top Chef Hilton kitchen, required the chefs to make a new signature dish for Hilton’s restaurant menu, which had to please guest judge Beth Scott, Hilton’s VP of restaurant concepts. Did you know that Hilton is a sponsor this season? You do now. The chefs competed in teams of two to make breakfast, lunch, and dinner tournament-style, with the best two teams safe and free to stop cooking after each round. Unlike past team challenges this season, after the dinner round, two chefs were going home. Extra guest judges also popped up, including Nora Poullion and old Top Chef contestants Mike I., Bryan Voltaggio, and Spike. (Of course, none of them could hold a candle to silver fox Eric Ripert. But we digress.)

Breakfast began with some interesting cooking advice when Amanda asked Stephen how to tell when hollandaise sauce was done. His response: “When it tastes really good.” OH. Okay. However, semi-useless advice turned out to be a big help, as Amanda and Stephen were immediately safe for their poached egg with pancetta confit and potato rösti, along with Tim and Tiffany for their crab-cake Benedict with bacon-potato hash.

At lunch, Kelly got upset that the judges weren’t giving feedback, complaining that if she ended up cooking dinner, she’d “feel like [she's] cooking to not go home.” Perhaps she felt that way because that was exactly how Padma explained the challenge. Angelo expressed his frustration with a strange metaphor: He wanted to get out of the pool because a piranha was trying to bite him. What kind of pools does he swim in, exactly? We didn’t get to find out, as his and Tiffany’s beef carpaccio with jicama-Asian pear salad was safe, as were the ricotta gnudi and sea scallops that Ed and Alex “cooked the shit out of.” Not everyone was so lucky with seafood — Padma remarked that if she’d received Kelly and Andrea’s crispy red snapper at Le Bernardin, she’d send it back, to which Eric Ripert replied that he’d never even send a dish like that out. Don’t say we didn’t warn you about cooking seafood, cheftestants.

Both Team Kenny/Kevin and Team Andrea/Kelly made braised short ribs for dinner (side note: Has anyone noticed how Kelly always sounds like she’s yelling out what she made?), while Arnold and Lynne opted to go a bit more outside the box and make pineapple-red-curry mussels with squid-ink pasta. Lynne reassured both Arnold and the audience many, many times that she knew how to make pasta and that it should get cooked at the last minute, so no one was surprised when her pasta turned out to be undercooked. The judges liked both the short ribs, but the lack of glaze on Kenny and Kevin’s gave the win to Kelly and Andrea, who also won weeklong trips to Venice and Barcelona. Padma didn’t think Lynne and Arnold’s “avant-garde” and “direct reflection of who [Arnold] is as a person” black mussels on black pasta would work on a hotel menu, and they got sent home. Plus, it’s much too soon to break up Kenny and Angelo’s budding bromance.

Next week: cooking in teams! Again! The battle of Kenny versus Angelo heats up! Outdoor cooking! Pushing food over! And (we hope), Tom gets all the glaze his heart desires.

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Last night’s episode opened with another act in the Battle of Kenny and Angelo: Kenny worried that the “Angelo Show” was taking over while Angelo sat by himself in a corner, brooding over Kenny’s words at the previous Judges’ Table. Could their war actually be a budding bromance in disguise?

The Quickfire asked the chefs to participate in the most American of traditions —product placement shilling for a new show baking a pie. Turns out guest judge Johnny Iuzzini will be a head judge on Top Chef: Just Desserts with Gail. (The second mention of this spinoff in three episodes, mind you.). Johnny took this episode to prove himself worthy of snappy quips during Judges’ Tables: “I think it’s kind of a cop out to say you’re not a pastry chef,” he scolded Angela. “My grandmother’s not a pastry chef either and she can make a pie.” Angelo and Tamesha admitted they had never before made a pie, to which we can only say how is that possible? (We were trained as journalists, not cooks, but we can make lattice crust with the best of them.)

The pies ranged from curried apple to chocolate ganache to mango, but Kenny grabbed the win for his bananas foster with currants and Chinese five spice. The other chefs got upset they didn’t win, but no one so much as in-the-bottom Tracey, who remarked, “I feel like I was called out for something embarrassing, like living in a trailer park.” Because that’s the same as messing up a pie crust.

Continuing the Americana theme, the Elimination Challenge required the chefs to prepare a picnic of one main and two sides for Capitol Hill interns. Sadly, the only scandal involved not interns but ovens, when Alex took Amanda’s oven and she got revenge by removing his dish from it. When Tom asked what was going on, Amanda explained that the cheftestants abide by prison rules. Tom, having never been to prison, had no idea what this meant, and neither did we. Back at the house, all the other chefs smoked while critiquing Amanda’s techniques, and everyone just looked so mean and ugly that we realized this would be a great anti-smoking commercial.

The picnic began by showing us those other great American traditions of croquet and badminton (what?), perhaps as a ruse to distract us from the fact that the editors forgot to show us a single second of footage of what the chefs were preparing as sides. They did include yet another tradition, sexism, with Tim arguing that only the men were happy to be grilling. Alex was definitely pleased to be outside cooking pork butt, remarking that he wanted to “eat the ass out of this pig all day.” Guest judge and Top Chef Master Jonathan Waxman (of Barbuto) helped the judges pick Arnold, Ed, Amanda, and Angelo for the top four. Jonathan was in love with Amanda’s grilled asparagus and baby-back ribs, and Tom loved how picnic-friendly Ed’s spiced tuna loin was, but the win went to Arnold’s sesame-lamb meatballs with tabouli salad and gazpacho.

Timothy, Stephen, Tracey, and Kevin ended up in the bottom four. Timothy got scolded for his lack of seasoning, leading us to assume that he’s never watched the show before, since that is always what Tom harps on (to be fair, Tim did get pooped on by terrorist birds while cooking). Padma called Kevin’s grilled flank steak with rice and beans “the safest Puerto Rican food [she'd] ever eaten,” and Gail told him to start cooking like a professional. However, the loss ultimately belonged to (clairvoyant) Tracey’s Italian sausage and fennel sliders, which Tom found to be “insulting to Italians.” We wonder if her psychic abilities helped her see that one coming.

Next week: Double elimination! Cooking in teams! Yelling about hollandaise! Plus, Eric Ripert returns, but even his dreamboat-y looks can’t save the judges from the horror of canned beans!

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Last night’s Top Chef started off with household high jinks (Ed shaved by his bed; Jacqueline ate a lot of butter) that we assume were there to make the Quickfire’s pun seem less terrible. Bi-partisandwich? Really? We’re huge fans of puns, and sandwiches are our favorite food (yes, that is a legitimate favorite food), but even for us this took things a tad too far.

The chefs had to make sandwiches while attached at the apron, and thus could only use one hand each. Guest judge and assistant White House chef Sam Kass (no Ripert this week) told the cheftestants to leave their egos at the door. Has he met Angelo? Speaking of Angelo, he claimed he would shut down Xie Xie if he lost this challenge. Luckily, he and Tracey (who has a crush on him even though she is raising her girlfriend’s kid) won with their flounder with spicy sriracha. Kenny and Ed’s Korean chile-ahi-tuna sandwich also made the judges’ favorites, reinforcing our suspicions that this season will be a giant showdown between Kenny and Angelo. Angelo confirmed this with an evil cackle and picked Kenny and Ed for his Elimination Challenge team, since he and Tracey had won immunity.

The Elimination Challenge asked the chefs to take part in Michelle Obama’s Let’s Move campaign to fight childhood obesity by making a school lunch for 50 using a public-school budget of just $2.60 per kid, or $130 total. Naturally, the cheftestants struggled to get enough food for four courses (a main, a side, a vegetable, and a dessert with fruit) under budget. And obviously, it had to be stuff kids like. Amanda made it clear that she would not take one for the team and make a dessert, as people who make desserts get eliminated. (Someone’s been watching the past six seasons.) Instead, she braised chicken with sherry. Because, you know, kids love (budget-friendly) sherry. Wait, what? Tom likened her dish to a turd, so it didn’t exactly please adults either. A few other chefs also struggled to appeal to kids, including Ed, whose sweet-potato purée was far too spicy, and Stephen, whose rice pilaf with assorted vegetables was described by one student as “just rice and all that nasty stuff.”

Team Angelo/Kenny/Ed/Tracey and Team Amanda/Stephen/Tamesha/Jacqueline ended up in the bottom (announced before the top teams to mix things up), and the school kid in everyone came out. Stephen threw Kenny under the bus for not speaking up about a lack of veggies. Kenny pointed out that Jacqueline used two pounds of sugar in her banana pudding. Amanda called Angelo out for using processed peanut butter, which she claimed was the worst thing in the world, and Ed replied by bringing up Amanda’s use of sherry. In not so many words, Tom asked Angelo if he sabotaged his non-immunized team members by counting celery with peanut butter as a vegetable, and Angelo refused to answer. The battle between Angelo and Kenny just got dirty, folks. But in the end, Jacqueline went home for her grainy, oversugared pudding dessert. Amanda’s no fool.

Of course, not everyone struggled. The judges loved how Team Alex/Kevin/Tim/Andrea hid yogurt in a coleslaw and a whipped-cream presentation, but the highest praise went to Team Kelly/Lynn/Tiffany/Arnold, whose meal included tacos, a salad, and vegetables hidden in the dessert. Kelly grabbed the win for her pork-carnita tacos with pickled onions. Did you know that Kelly made tacos? Were you clear on that? Because she only announced her credit for them at least six times (yes, we counted). Wait, which part of this episode was supposed to feature children?

Next week: We’re going on a picnic! Complete with fights over ovens, Amanda whining, and everyone giving each other dirty looks while smoking cigarettes. Ah, health.

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The first episode of Top Chef: D.C. didn’t feature any of the many political guest stars we’ve been promised, but politics reared its head almost immediately as the cheftestants vied to establish themselves as front-runners. The battle lines were established between cocky Angelo (of Xie Xie) and speedy Kenny during the Quickfire, a typical Top Chef opener of a three-legged race to prep food (a mise en place, if you want to get fancy like Tom). Watching people peel potatoes isn’t the least bit exciting, even with dramatic music and people slicing their hands open in the background, but Kenny really was a machine. The four fastest chefs prepared their chopped potatoes, onions, and chicken. Flavor trumped speediness, and Angelo won the Quickfire (and $20,000, since high-stakes Quickfires didn’t stay in Vegas). He vowed to be the first contestant to win every single challenge. Looking for the out-of-control ego? You just found it.

In the elimination challenge, chefs created a dish reflecting their own community (their constituency) and served them to 300 yuppies celebrating D.C.’s famous cherry-blossom festival. (If it’s so famous, why not make the challenge relate to the event? Just a thought.) The four top chefs from the Quickfire selected teammates from among the other contestants in reverse gym-class style, from worst chef to best. The best was New York’s hometown boy, Ed Cotton, representing our home borough of Queens. Angelo dispatched him to Kenny’s team and developed the narrative for a season-long battle. Both chefs landed in the top four, but Angelo’s smoked Arctic char–and-bacon mousse won. “I will set the presidence [sic],” he said.

L.A.’s Alex channeled Michael Voltaggio with a judge-pleasing deconstruction of borscht that recalled his Russian roots. Expect him to clash with Angelo, as they both spent the meet-and-greet with the other chefs name-dropping. Tracey’s a great candidate to provide snippy asides like Vegas’s Mike I., such as “Stephen’s a little hick from some country town. I’m sure he has no idea how to cook.” Laughs will definitely come from Arnold, who spends his introduction dancing and explaining that he got a stylist and a facial before coming to the show.

The minute kooky hippie John announced he would make a dessert, we knew he was a goner. His no-maple-flavor mousse made the first elimination easy. Much like Fight Club, Top Chef only has one rule: Don’t make a dessert in the first episode if you don’t want to go home. Other low-scoring chefs were four-nippled Jacqueline, who made a low-fat chicken-liver mousse (you didn’t read wrong; it doesn’t make sense); Stephen, who overcooked his potato-crusted rib eye until it looked like “chicken nuggets,” according to new regular judge Eric Ripert; and Tim, who messed up his fish so badly that Ripert commented on how terrible his technique was three times. Beware, all ye who cook seafood; Kenny wasn’t kidding when he called Ripert the Seafood God. We’re sorry, Toby, but you are not missed.

Later this season: fireworks! The other CIA! Aliens! Baseball! Schoolchildren! Joe Scarborough! Also, Dial is the lead sponsor this time around, so don’t be surprised if a future Quickfire involves speed-washing dishes with a new product of theirs. Plus, look out for mousse to be D.C.’s seviche — we saw three versions of it in the premiere alone.

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