Cat Cora came for the party.

You know how the judges on Top Chef are always stressing that each challenge gets judged separately, and you can’t think about a chef’s past work? Well, Lindsay missed that memo, because at the start of this week’s episode she was still complaining about Restaurant Wars. Padma was also still wearing a terrible outfit, so apparently we just can’t forget about things gone wrong this season.

This week’s Quickfire was the traditional mise en place race that happens every season (though usually earlier on). Padma teamed up Grayson and Chris, Lindsay and Sarah, and Ed and Paul to peel and devein two pounds of shrimp, shuck a crate of corn, and make two pounds of fettuccine, and then cook them, in 40 minutes. The fact that they all accomplished it in time (though Paul and Ed forgot to put their shrimp on the plate) was a testament to the fact that these people really are quite talented cooks. And we’ll grant them, it’s not their fault that Bravo decided to drag this season out until the end of time. Anyway, Grayson and Chris won for their fettuccine with toasted corn, oil-poached shrimp, and deep-fried bacon, and got $10,000 to spend on cute outfits for Chris’s cute baby.

In a twist that was so un-shocking it seems odd to even call it a twist, everyone’s teammate then became his or her opponent for the elimination challenge. Each pair was tasked with making different versions of the same dish (their choice) for 200 people for a block party to support the food bank of San Antonio. Ed and Paul chose Korean barbecue, Sarah and Linds went with meatballs, and Grayson and Chris picked chicken-salad sandwiches. Then Padma threw in another “twist”: All the dishes had to be healthy. Ed wasn’t fazed a bit, remarking that “all Asian food is healthy.” O rly?

It’s pretty clear that at this point even the show’s editors aren’t sure why they’re bothering with the shopping montage (this week at Central Market, not Whole Foods; WTF, product placement?). This week’s included but a mere multi-second shot of the sign telling you what’s in the aisle. Hours of footage, and that’s what they chose. Once in the kitchens, about half the chefs had a chat about not really knowing what a block party was, having never been to one. How is that possible? We grew up in city limits and attended many. Not that it mattered, because the event was technically a picnic in a park and not a party on a block.

We were pleased with Top Chef when they took the time before showing the event to talk about the importance of ending hunger and helping out food banks. We really, really hope Bravo and named-a-million-times sponsor Healthy Choice donated a significant amount to San Antonio’s food bank and didn’t just make the guests do it. Food banks really do need help! Go donate to your local one, please! [End PSA]

We also hope that Bravo had a lot of EpiPens around because of all the bees swarming the event, considering every child these days appears to be severely allergic to everything. Which brings up another question: Why on earth did they do so many outdoor events in Texas in the summer? No one spends time outside in climates like Texas’s in the summer if there’s not a pool involved.

Despite all this, everyone managed to serve their dishes without too many hitches. Paul made turkey kalbi and eggplant in a lettuce wrap with white peach kimchee, while Ed served an open-face kalbi with homemade buns and kimchee chipotle purée. Grayson’s chicken-salad sandwich came with arugula, pickled red onion, and a watermelon-and-feta salad, while Chris’s had tofu “mayo,” red lettuce, and a watermelon salad with pineapple ice. Sarah used turkey meat in her Calabrese meatballs (paired with summer vegetable salad), and Lindsay used lean veal and lamb in her Greek-style meatballs with lemon yogurt and quinoa salad.

The picnicgoers named Paul, Lindsay, and Grayson’s dishes their favorites in each category, though Tom wanted to know how Grayson thought she could possibly win a round of Top Chef with a chicken-salad sandwich. We happen to think mayo is gross, so touché, Tom. The judges thought Paul’s dish was the healthiest and most flavorful, and awarded him the win. He’s the least-unlikable of this batch, so go Team Paul? Chris then proved that the only thing the judges hate as much as underseasoned food is dry food (he let his sandwiches sit out rather than serving them to order), and got sent home. Farewell, scrunchies!

Next week: Pee-wee Herman oh my God. Riding bikes! Pee-wee. Are the chefs being delivery people?! Pee-wee. Gail is back! Pee-wee oh Lord what is even happening?

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Eric Ripert is here to save the season!

It only took eleven episodes to figure out what this “wickedly” boring season of Top Chef has been missing: Eric Ripert! Nothing like a little silver fox to shine things up. He was waiting for the chefs when they returned to San Antonio for last night’s Quickfire. (Fun fact, producers: There are more than three cities in Texas. Why not hit, say, Houston?) The Ripper and Padma gave the chefs 30 minutes to make a “sophisticated” dish using at least three ingredients from the conveyor belt behind them, with a fairly reasonable catch (for once): The people running the belt would start off with crappy ingredients and only send out better ones when there was less time to cook. They definitely weren’t kidding — the first ingredients out were Pop Rocks and a half-eaten container of Oreos.

“I see a bowl of macadamia nuts and I grab them because this challenge is nutty,” Ed informed us, as he then grabbed a jar of sauerkraut. Most chefs tried to wait it out, but in the end everyone ended up with at least one crappy ingredient. We’ll be honest here: This was our favorite Quickfire yet. Watching the chefs freak out about having to serve horrible food to Eric Ripert is truly the best, most pleasurable thing we’ve seen all season. Anyway, Lindsay won immunity for having the least awful food and wasn’t too sad-faced about it.

We almost missed what the elimination challenge was because we were too busy wondering what on earth was going on with Padma’s jumpsuit, but it turned out the contestants would be making a dish “fit for a queen.” Sadly, this did not mean that Kate Middleton was the guest judge. Instead, they had to create a seven-course gothic feast for Charlize Theron, who is playing the evil queen in the upcoming film Snow White and the Product Placement. (Surprisingly, the movie is not called Wicked, despite the number of times they used the word over the course of the episode.)

The shopping montage was boring and pointless as usual. Why do the producers insist on showing everyone continually shouting how much time is left around Whole Foods? Has anyone ever once gotten to the register too late to buy anything and been stuck with no ingredients? No. Next time just skip straight to informing us that Creeper Chris is married. Is that why he always wears scrunchies? Because he misses his wife and they’re hers? Eh, doesn’t matter; there is no excuse for scrunchies.

The cooking montage mostly involved everyone worrying about cooking for Charlize Theron. We know she’s the big name here and that this episode was all about the product placement and being as gimmicky as possible, but we’d personally be a little more concerned about what Eric Ripert thought of our. Either way the cheftestants clearly tried to pull out all the stops. Paul worked on fourteen different components for his dish while Grayson decided to try to cook black chicken for the first time. We get that black chicken is fancy, but when it’s raw it looks like a dragon fetus.

Dinner service involved a lot of not-very-funny jokes with unnecessary amounts of laughter in response, but also, for the first time this season, some good food. Ed played on light versus dark in his tuna tartare with black garlic ponzu, pear ginger sauce, and fried fish scales. Paul put a “bloody” handprint (with a glove, thankfully) on each plate of his “forbidden forest” foie gras with bacon, beets, pickled cherries and jalepenos. Beverly cooked a seared halibut with forbidden black rice, and Lindsay followed with seared scallop over a “witch’s stew” of braised short rib and dragon beans. Sarah made a red wine risotto with lamb hearts, Grayson served that black chicken with roasted pickled beets and quail egg, and Chris finished off the meal with a “poisoned” apple and cherry pie.

The judges had positive things to say about everything, with Ripert considering it the best meal he’s had on Top Chef. Tom Colicchio was finally not disappointed, so congratulations, chefs, on only taking 2/3 of an endless season to get to that point. In the end, the judges decided the dish with the best combination of flavor and presentation was Paul’s, who nabbed the win. As he is the least unlikable out of the remaining contestants, we were pleased. Grayson, meanwhile, was shocked to find herself in the bottom alongside Beverly and Sarah, especially after the lovefest over all the dishes. She apparently forgot that someone has to go home every week. Lucky for her the judges found the most to nitpick in Beverly’s sauce, and sent her home just as she was hitting her (both cooking and crying) stride.

Next week: A head to head battle! Chris throws chairs! Tom wears a dad shirt! Grayson disses meatballs!

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Just some dudes, makin’ some decisions.

It only took nine thousand ten episodes to get here, but we’re down to eight chefs which means … restaurant wars! Why do they always try to present this as a treat? Because it’s a bigger disaster than usual? It never actually replicates what these people would do with a restaurant. However, there is a bright side to restaurant wars: We get to skip the Quickfire. So, on to the challenge! Padma split the chefs into a battle of the sexes. Both the chefs and the judges spent the rest of the episode referring to the teams as boys versus girls, but since these are all quite grown, professional adults and we find that weird, we are going to refer to them as fellas versus ladies.

Other than the gender-specific teams, the rules were pretty much in line with previous years’ wars (although they did serve on separate nights and not simultaneously): Make a three-course meal with two options for each course for 100 guests, everyone’s responsible for at least one dish, and one person handles the front of house.

The producers went back to giving the teams a raw space to decorate, but thankfully the shopping montage (where they were given a cool $7,500 each) was pretty quick. The fellas quickly decided to put Ed at front of house since he owns his own restaurant; Paul dubbed their spot Canteen, as it reminded him of a communal, nostalgic experience, which they aimed to emulate in their cooking.

The ladies put Lindsay in front of house (since she’s helped open a lot of restaurants), and called their restaurant Half Bushel, hoping to evoke a rustic, organic, ingredient-driven feel. Their menu planning did not go as smoothly as the fellas’, with Sarah continuously shooting down every idea of Beverly’s, as apparently she is the new Heather. But for once Bev finally got an ally, in the form of Grayson. When Sarah tried to shoot down Beverly’s idea to do short ribs again, Grayson excellently retorted, “Why not? She’s fucking good at it.” At least one person on this show remembers that it’s supposed to be Top Chef and not Top Ego.

Team Canteen “lost” the coin toss and had to cook the first night. Creeper Chris opened their day with a lengthy speech comparing restaurant wars to Star Trek, a metaphor completely lost on us despite our love of The Big Bang Theory and our father forcing us to know about the borg as children. Ed got very dramatic while setting up, complaining that he had to clean the bathroom all by himself. We’d be willing to bet all of Chris’s scrunchies that they were not given a dirty bathroom to work with, but okay.

The fellas didn’t realize until they were in the middle of service that they hadn’t chosen someone to expedite, a problem that grew exponentially when the servers had issues as well. Paul blamed their friendships for getting in the way of bossing each other around, a sentiment not heard very often on this show. Paul put quite a bit into this challenge: he also made a ham and pork pate with mushrooms and duck fat crostini for the first course. He worked on both second courses — solo on a crispy-skin pork belly with sweet potato puree, and alongside Ty-lor Boring on poached salmon with clams and tomato water. Ty-lor also made a Thai-style crab and shrimp salad for the first course, while Ed and Chris took on dessert. Ed made an “Almond Joy” cake with malted chocolate mousse and banana-coconut puree; and Chris made homemade Cracker Jack with cherries and peanut butter ice cream.

The ladies’ team noticed Canteen’s problems as they dined, and swore that they would stay strong and stick together when they cooked the next night. Naturally, they instead spent almost the entire time yelling at each other. Sarah yelled at Grayson and Beverly for how they did things, Beverly complained that Lindsay didn’t give her a good fish-cooking demo, and Lindsay worried that Bev would mess up her dish. In fact, Lindsay seemed much more concerned with her fish than she was with her front of house duties, also complaining about how hard it was to seat all the tables (which is, you know, a main part of the job of being restaurant wars front of house). Most shots of her during service showed her in the kitchen, yelling at both the other chefs and the servers. Who knew such a quiet person had such an angry streak?

Grayson and Sarah took the first course. Grayson made a peach salad with picked shallots and bacon vinaigrette, and Sarah made a mozzarella-filled arancino with sweet and sour eggplant. For the second course, Beverly made her braised short ribs, while simultaneously executing Lindsay’s grilled halibut with chorizo and fennel salad. Dessert included Grayson’s schaum torte with vanilla meringues and Champagne berries; as well as Sarah’s hazelnut cream doughnuts with banana sugar glaze.

Despite their more severe problems with service, the ladies team’s dishes pleased the judges quite a bit more than the fellas’, and the ladies were awarded the win, prompting them to hug each other like they hadn’t just been screaming an hour earlier. But their love fest was short-lived. When the judges announced that Beverly was the challenge winner, Sarah and Lindsay’s faces dropped like Tom had just canceled Christmas. Beverly cried, obviously.

Tom was, once again, severely disappointed with the losers, remarking that he could send all of the fellas home. (DO IT, TOM, PLEASE.) The judges didn’t like how greasy Paul’s first course was and wondered why he did so much while Chris did so little. They also didn’t like how Ed named his barely coconuty dish after Almond Joy, but they found the most fault with Ty-lor, who severely underseasoned all his dishes and whose “Thai-style” dish was not flavorful at all. As the judges notoriously get offended by dong shots underseasoning, it came as no surprise that Ty-lor got sent pack-ing. Farewell, Mr. Boring.

Next week: We have no idea, because Bravo HD froze right before the scenes so … come up with your most creative episode ideas and leave them in the comments!

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Now that’s a big pit.

Is anyone actually excited when Top Chef does an extended episode? This is a rhetorical question: Obviously the answer is no. And yet, Bravo continues to torture us with a superfluous extra fifteen minutes and present it as a treat, kind of like when the cafeteria proclaims salad day. This week’s very special long episode kicked off with Padma giving the chefs a homework assignment: Study the books of Modernist Cuisine, presented to them in a glass case. The chefs voice-overed about them in a product-placement-y way, but considering this is a product that needs no promotion we’re not so sure what was going on. Either way, the assignment made our cheftestants nervous.

Naturally, author Nathan Myhrvold — described by Ed as a “weird Renaissance man dropped in from outer space” — awaited the chefs for the Quickfire. (By the way, have you ever listened to the “Planet Money” piece on Myhrvold’s company, Intellectual Ventures? You really should.) He gave a nice little explanation of modernist cooking for the audience, and a nice little reminder that molecular gastronomy is only a small subset of what most chefs do. Obviously, many of them ignored this after Padma tasked them with creating a modernist dish, breaking out the chemicals and liquid nitrogen to molecular whizzbang stuff anyway. Malibu Chris explained that he is very modern because he likes to make paintings of naked women, but sadly for him he was not modern enough to win. That honor went to Ty-Lor Boring for his watermelon with vanilla bean honey and powdered olive oil. Yum? He also got a set of the books and immunity, which was a pretty sweet prize.

The elimination challenge was basically the Quickfire’s opposite: Make the best traditional Texas barbecue. The chefs broke themselves into three teams of three with pretty minimal drama and headed off to the famous Salt Lick restaurant to learn the secrets of good barbecue (our friend who lives in Austin assures us that the restaurant is indeed excellent and that they serve the best beans ever). The teams (Sarah/Ed/Ty-Lor, Paul/Grayson/Lindsay, Bev and the Chrises) got all night to cook chicken, beef brisket, and pork short ribs, plus two sides. “You can take elegance and throw it out the window,” said Ed, who clearly has never had Texas barbecue before.

The tour of the Salt Lick gave us the first drool-worthy moment this season (only took nine episodes). The owner then gave the teams a ride in a product-placement mobile to replicas of the restaurant’s barbecue pits, where the chefs got to start cooking at 10 p.m. Unlike the chili cook-off, they really did not get to sleep at all with this challenge, and quite a bit of delirium ensued. Beverly set a pot of bourbon on fire and then left it in the grass (”When it comes to common sense it seems like she’s missing a few chapters”), while creeper Chris took the time to talk to his beer-can chickens. For some reason, most teams opted not to use the smoker in the barbecue challenge based in Texas, a place where people buy smokers for personal use in their own backyards.

The lack of sleep followed by the heat of the day was too much for Sarah and sent her to the hospital, prompting Ed to ask, “What’s wrong, is she dead?” To be fair, this did make things rather difficult for him and Ty-lor, and forced them to change their game plan and slice their meat ahead of time, a big no-no in Texas brisket.

Team Paul/Grayson/Lindsay went with Asian flavors for their proteins and served them with charred Brussels sprouts, kimchee okra, and watermelon salad. The Chrises and Bev made beer-can chicken, spicy smoked brisket, and Dr. Pepper barbecue sauce pork ribs with beans and coleslaw. Team Sarah/Ed/Ty-lor showed off their roots and made Texas-style chicken, Kentucky brisket with salt-and-pepper rub, and Kansas City–style pork ribs with a dry rub.

Not to say we told you so, but the win went to the only team who used the smoker: Paul, Grayson, and Lindsay. Tom even asked for the chicken recipe, which we don’t believe he’s ever done before. Oh, and if you’re keeping tabs, Paul has now won $35K on this show, which is more than we made in a year during our first job out of college, so that’s nice. The remaining two teams shared the bottom two for their “failure” (Padma’s word) with their proteins. She, Gail, and Nathan had a long debate over whether the fault went to Creeper Chris for cooking the meat incorrectly, or to Malibu Chris for messing up the rubs and sauces. Alas, beauty did not trump salty rubs, and Malibu Chris was sent home. (What are the chances he’s already painted a naked picture of Padma?)

Next week: Restaurant wars, 9 bajillion episodes later than usual! It’s boys versus girls! Ed wears a suit with a pink shirt! A forgotten mushroom nightmare! Sarah yells! Hugh Acheson’s eyebrows return!

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Filed Under: overnights, barbecue, modernist cuisine, recaps, salt lick, top chef, top chef texas, tv

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Sharon Jones and the Dap-Kings weren’t available?

We’re going to Austin! Well, sadly, we’re not, but the remaining nine million ten chefs are. Naturally, it took a road trip in the product-placementmobiles (with product placement camera confessionals) to get there, but we did learn that everyone calls Cute Chris “Malibu,” that Paul sold weed for seven years before getting into cooking, and that Beverly is a huge believer in karma.

This week’s Quickfire was the Twitter challenge we told you about way back in July. Padma and Tom asked followers to come up with challenge ideas and called out instructions for chefs as the challenge went on. Sadly, they did not take our suggestion to cook with armadillo meat, but they did tell the chefs to make a dish with bacon, add a hash to it, and pick an ingredient for another chef to use. Most people were nice and gave each other ingredients like lemon and sriracha, but everyone complained anyway. The judges liked Beverly’s crispy pork belly with corn and bell-pepper hash, as well as Sarah’s burrata-stuffed squash blossom with bacon-zucchini hash; but they gave the win to Paul for his bacon many ways, including crispy bacon and chorizo-mushroom hash.

Our cheftestants were then instructed to go hang out at the hotel bar, where they got to enjoy the musical stylings of Patti LaBelle (”she looks exactly the same,” noted this recapper’s roommate) while Sarah cried and fanned herself. Either this group of chefs is made up of excellent actors or they are all incredibly oblivious, because they were quite surprised when Padma walked in and explained that Patti would be the guest judge for the elimination challenge.

For the first time this season, Padma doled out a challenge that was both interesting and a good way for the chefs to showcase themselves: Make a dish honoring the person who inspired each of them to cook. The Whole Foods montage was the usual snoozefest, so we spent the time thinking about what we’d make to pay tribute to our Nana. These happy thoughts were rudely interrupted by a nice long shot of Creeper Chris’s butt crack. Next time just show us more pictures of Beverly’s cute, fat baby, please.

During service, the judges also talked about their inspirations and what they would make. Emeril, finally making an appearance, would honor his mom, while Patti would cook macaroni and cheese with eight cheeses and lobster and shrimp. Question: How do we get an invitation to the LaBelles?

Most chefs’ inspiration came from moms and grandmas, though Malibu Chris paid tribute to his uncle while Ty-lor Boring explained his fondness for the Japanese nanny he had growing up. The top dishes were all more modern interpretations of food the chefs had as kids: Sarah’s grandparent-inspired cabbage stuffed with sausage and brown butter; Beverly’s mom-honoring Korean-braised short rib with edamame puree and mushrooms; and Ed’s grandma-inspired vegetarian modern bibimbap with lemon-chile sauce. The judges seemed more pleased with these three plates than anything they’d seen all season, and gave Sarah the win, causing Patti to be the one tearing up this time.

Grayson, Heather, and Malibu Chris ended up in the bottom three, which were called before the top three, a twist no one saw coming even though the judges do it every season. (Like we said, great actors or naïve beyond belief?) Grayson’s grilled rib eye steak with German potato salad was unimaginative and not cooked well. Incorrect cooking was the theme of the bottom: The fish in Malibu’s sockeye salmon with brown sugar carrot puree was cooked too quickly at too high a temperature, while no one could even tell what cut of meat Heather used in her beef stroganoff with herb spaetzle and mushrooms — Patti assumed it was meat from Bigfoot. And reminding people of Bigfoot got Heather the boot (see what we did?), prompting Beverly to be all “HA! Told you so, biatch! Peace out, suckaaa!” (we paraphrase, but that was pretty close). Karma, indeed.

In two weeks: Fires! Fire alarms! A giant barbecue! Food that’s like sex in your mouth! Sarah gets dizzy! Ed gets pissed! Salty food!

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Beverly always looks like she’s on the verge of crying, right?

We went into last night’s episode of Top Chef with high hopes; after all, Tom Colicchio himself promised us that this season would stop being boring. Apparently “not-boring” means contestants whining about each other and catfighting, because that’s what much of this episode was about. Luckily, this episode was also about a double elimination, which took this near-endless pool of chefs down to ten.

But first, the Quickfire. Padma, Tim Love, and a table full of product-placement tequila awaited the chefs at Le Cordon Bleu, where they were tasked with creating a dish to pair with the tequila of their choice. Ty-Lor Boring felt certain he could rock the challenge, as he had been to Mexico, while other chefs expressed their familiarity with shots of the stuff. Ty-Lor Boring’s vacations definitely helped him out, as he was in the top for his steamed clams with Thai fish caramel sauce, along with Lindsay and her salmon with fennel puree and Cute Chris with his raw oysters with tequila tapioca pearls. The win ultimately went to Ty-Lor Boring, and also to whoever touched up Padma and Tim’s makeup between takes, since the two of them managed to keep from looking red-faced and drunk despite putting back all that tequila.

The elimination challenge paired the chefs up, based on whom they were standing next to, a move that surprised them all despite the fact that it’s been used before this season. Each team was assigned a type of wild game and instructed to serve it at a game dinner for Tim Love’s chef friends, which included fellow New Yorker Anita Lo. Make her a guest judge in her own right, producers!

The prep period included much more complaining and worrying than usual, owing to everyone freaking out about Padma’s promise that one whole team would be going home at the end of the meal. Grayson got right to the point about Creeper Chris’s crazy sweet-potato idea, asking, “You promise this shit’s gonna be bangin’?” To be fair, that is a good standard for professionally prepared food. Paul went on for a while about how passionate Sarah is about sausage, causing us to giggle because we are apparently 12 years old.

There were no giggles on Heather’s end of the kitchen, though — girl was not pleased about being teamed up with Beverly and made absolutely no attempt to hide it. In fact, she spent most of the prep period shooting down Beverly’s ideas while explaining that doing things Heather’s way was a fair compromise. “Honestly, Heather’s being a complete bitch,” remarked Ed, voicing the opinions of most in the kitchen and putting into words exactly what the producers wanted you to be thinking. The whole situation was made more uncomfortable still when Beverly confessional-ed that Heather’s behavior reminded her of the abusive relationship she was once in and from which she had to run away. Sadly, for a place with so many personalities, not one person apparently told Heather to calm the fuck down.

Service took place in Tim Love’s room full of stuffed animal heads, which seemed to freak out Tom a little bit (hi, Tom!). Lucky for him, there were six courses’ worth of meat to provide distractions. There was not, on the other hand, much judges’ table to distract anyone: As soon as service was done, Padma called in Ty-Lor Boring and Ed and immediately gave them the win for their sorghum quail with pickled cherries and eggplant. There was no discussion of what made the dish their favorite, let alone another top team to compare to. They win, here’s ten grand, the end. We suppose it was done to fit in more chef fighting, but it was still weird.

But oh boy, the chef fighting. The cheftestants had to vote among themselves to decide the bottom three dishes. For the most part, everyone was careful to be politely honest, because as Ed pointed out, “If you try to screw over one person today you might be on their team tomorrow.” (Just don’t stand next to them and you’ll be fine, duh!) The group finally decided on Heather and Beverly’s rubbery and weird five-spice duck breast with polenta and pickled cherries (pickled cherries are the new pea puree this season, apparently); Dakota and Nyesha’s undercooked venison with kombucha squash and beet gratin; and Creeper Chris and Grayson’s juniper-roasted elk with mushy, messed-up sweet potatoes (that shit, sadly, was not bangin’.)

Dakota and Nyesha immediately admitted that they knew their venison was undercooked, and Creeper Chris and Dakota agreed that they played their dish too safe and didn’t do the sweet potato right. Heather didn’t see what was wrong with their dish, but used most of her time not to defend her cooking but to rant about her dislike of Beverly and complain about her work ethic. “I feel like I had no say in our dish,” Heather said, which was interesting, since it was the exact opposite of what we saw. Not to be shut down, she continued her rant once back in the kitchen, while we continued to wonder what was going on with Padma’s necklace.

This is Bravo, and manufactured drama sells, so naturally Heather and Beverly were not eliminated. Instead, that honor went to Nyesha and Dakota, which is pretty on target with the judges’ usual behavior: They do not like their food undercooked. Keep that in mind if you ever cook for Tom. Speaking of Tom, he was certainly right that this episode was not boring … but it was not boring at an uncomfortable cost. Chefs have always disagreed on Top Chef, obviously, but this episode took that to a new level. Is Real Housewives rubbing off on Top Chef?

Next week: Leaving Dallas for Austin! Patti LaBelle is there! Heather is negative! Emeril finally makes an appearance!

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Hugh Acheson came dressed for a Richard Marx video.

Last night’s Top Chef kicked off by pointing out a rare event on this show: More dudes than ladies have headed home. It still surprises us every year when the female chefs head home first, considering they’re all at about the same level, so this news reverse-surprised us. Creeper Chris, however, does not care, so don’t talk to him unless you want to talk about winning.

The chefs met their Dallas home base: Le Cordon Bleu. They also met guest judge Dean Fearing, who along with Padma assigned the chefs the Quickfire task of being a saucier. Each chef had to do their own take on one of the five mother sauces: hollandaise, béchamel, veloute, tomate, and espagnole. Cute Chris thought the hardest part of the challenge was making a roux, which at first seemed odd to us as we make roux all the time and are not on Top Chef. However, once judging began it quickly became clear that not making a proper roux was a sin as far as Dean Fearing was concerned. Grayson got the win for her complicated (and correctly rouxed) charred-corn hollandaise with scallop and ravioli, and scored the only immunity.

The elimination challenge asked the chefs to cook as one team and make a four-course dinner for the Cattle Baron Ball (Texas!), with at least two courses involving steak (Texas!). Guest judge Dean warned that all 200 steaks needed to be delivered to the tables medium rare, no big deal. The chefs all got six hours to cook, and there was the promise of a product placement mobile for the winner. On the way to Whole Foods, they all yapped scriptedly about the stupid car, making us less likely to ever buy one. (Send us samples of the good food, Top Chef producers, and then maybe we’ll remember the name of the car.) The important takeaway from this was that Creeper Chris would be equally happy to win the car, or $2.

Prep time led to the second drippy, bloody injury of the season, though this one was so bad that Ty-lor Boring needed to go spend half the night in the ER getting stitches. Lucky for everyone, he came back in time for the second half of prep the next day, as not one person wanted to step up and take his role as steak-cooker outside in the 112-degree heat.

An alternate title for this episode really could have been “Everyone Hates Beverly,” which was understandable, as it took her more than three hours, as a professional chef, just to prep the shrimp for the first course. Thankfully for bossy Heather, Beverly finished them in time for the dish, which was a tomato-watermelon gazpacho with olive-oil-poached shrimp. Ed, Paul, and the Chrises made a seared New York steak carpaccio with mushroom “bacon” and heirloom tomato salad for the second course, while Ty-lor Boring, Whitney, and Nyesha made a grilled rib eye with potato gratin, Brussels sprouts, and compound butter. Heather, Lindsay, and Grayson brought up the rear with a Texas peach cake for dessert.

The chefs seem to be a lot more into throwing each other under the bus before judges table this season, no? Heather spent most of the pre-judges’ table time scolding Beverly for taking so long with the shrimp.

Not that Heather needed to find people to blame, as she and her cake ended up on top along with Creeper Chris’s carpaccio and Nyesha’s compound butter. She even took home the win, further proving that the judges aren’t hating on desserts as much anymore. Ty-lor Boring, Whitney, and Ed ended up in the bottom, where Tom did the parental “I’m-not-mad-I’m-disappointed” move to a T. In the end, Whitney went home for her undercooked potato gratin, which is really fine with us since we’re still not entirely convinced she was there the whole time in the first place.

Next week: More meat! A double elimination (yessssssss)! The cheftestants have to judge each other! Heather yells a lot! Tom is not excited! Sarah cries!

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Even the kitchens are bigger in Texas.

Peace out, San Antonio: After four episodes with you, our chefs are moving on to Dallas! No one seemed too pleased to be leaving, and Beverly wasn’t quite sure what Dallas even was, remarking, “Dallas Cowboys rings a bell.” While she busied herself figuring that out, everyone else piled into the product-placement mobiles and started talking about relationships (side note: did anyone else notice how all the tattooed people ended up in the same car?) and about how fat Cute Chris used to be.

If this episode of Top Chef proved anything, it’s that these people are indeed chefs and not actors. Not a single one of them was good at acting surprised about getting “pulled over” on the tiny road through a cornfield that is apparently the only way from San Antonio to Dallas and not, say, one of the bazillion five-lane highways that run through the state. Sadly, the fake cop was not anyone fun or famous, but stunning-white-teethed (Chris’s words) John Besh was waiting in the field with Padma in tiny shorts, so there was something for everyone. There was also a Quickfire that required the chefs to cook ingredients found in “survival kits” using Bunsen burners in the middle of the field. In other words, we’ve gotten the inevitable “ewww cooking with canned food!” challenge out of the way early.

Apparently, survival kits in Texas include ingredients like lemongrass, tofu, and chiles in addition to canned fish and rice. Ed quickly made it clear that he is not cut out for an outdoor cowboy life, pulling his back and grumping about having to make “Flintstones food.” To be fair, most of the food looked pretty gross, including the winning dish from Lindsay, some sort of tuna “club” on saltines with Vienna sausages (we have been to Vienna; their sausages do not come in cans). However, her win marked the first time she stopped looking so sad, so maybe we need good news for her more often. She even WOOed!

In the first non-team challenge, the chefs then headed into fancy Dallas neighborhood Highland Park to cook for a progressive dinner party in three different houses. Rather than drawing color-coded cornstalks in the field, Padma simply split the group up based on where they were standing. Naturally, the group at the end who got desserts was pissed. Do the producers of this show get some sort of sadistic pleasure out of watching cheftestants whine about making dessert season after season? Just wondering.

Anyway, once in their respective groups, everyone went to the hosts’ giant, beautiful houses to find out more about them, all six of whom could be summed up thusly: unadventurous and hates cilantro. The chefs were all easily able to do their cooking in the host couples’ own kitchens, as the spaces were huge enough to fit five chefs cooking at once. See, that’s not even a challenge. Let’s get the chefs cooking in one of our one-foot-of-counter-space New York apartment kitchens and watch the real fun begin.

We took three things away from the service portion of this episode. No. 1: Ty-lor Boring and Heather are pals, which is nice. No. 2: One of the Dallas host couples had TWELVE HUNDRED PEOPLE at their wedding. Even Gail (who can really rock the red lipstick, we must say) didn’t think she knew that many people. No. 3: The saying “everything’s bigger in Texas” apparently applies to cleavage, too, because holy boobs, Padma and Gail. Are they trying to up the male demographic of this show?

The top dishes were Sarah’s Roman artichoke with date puree, Paul’s fried Brussels sprouts with prosciutto, Dakota’s banana-bread pudding with banana mousse, and Grayson’s chocolate sponge cake with caramelized bananas and pretzels. The win went to Paul, and Brussels sprouts and bacon went on our grocery list. The dubious honor of being the worst dishes went to Creeper Chris’s roasted chicken cigar with collard greens; Chuy’s goat-cheese-stuffed salmon filet; Ty-lor Boring’s grilled pork tenderloin with summer slaw; and Cute Chris’s strawberry cupcake with banana filling, chocolate frosting, and ice cream. Creeper Chris’s dish was too gimmicky and not elegant enough, while Cute Chris’s dish was like a kid made it, with too much going on. Ty-lor Boring’s dish insulted the judges with its overlarge portion size (but this is Texas, no?), messiness, and lack of finesse. However, Chuy’s overcooked salmon with mealy cheese incurred the bulk of Tom’s wrath and was bad enough to send him home. Guess we’ll never learn whether his dad invented cooking or not.

Next week: Grilling! Southfork Ranch, which apparently we should have heard of! Steak! Emergency rooms! Someone’s too slow! Tom gets disappointed!

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Puddin’ on the moves.

The restaurant-devoted-to-one-thing concept is nothing new in this city. We’ve got all cupcake, all macaroni and cheese, all tiramisu, and countless more. But what we didn’t have was a spot selling pudding, and only pudding*. Enter Puddin NYC, opening in the East Village next week. They’ve got the classics like vanilla (made with Madagascar beans) and chocolate (with 70 percent chocolate all the way from Iceland), but they’ve also got banana, coconut, and a variety of parfait combinations. The shop also features nineteen different toppings, ranging from homemade sprinkles to red velvet cake. You can check out the full menu here for now, and in person when the shop opens next week. No word yet on how Bill Cosby feels about this. [Urban Daddy]

Puddin NYC, 102 St. Marks Pl., nr. First Ave.; 216-513-5074

*Rice to Riches, as it sells only rice pudding, does not count.

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No beans allowed!

No, there was not a new episode of Top Chef last night. Instead, we’re recapping last week’s episode today, since the show aired the night before Thanksgiving, and we like days off as much as everyone else. So: “Either have something really good to put on the plate, or shut up” remarked one of the cheftestants to kick off an episode that no one watched live because they were prepping for Thanksgiving by drinking with their high-school buddies. (Did you have a good feast, by the way?) Rather than the usual Thanksgiving-themed Quickfire that occurs this time of year, Padma presented the chefs with chile peppers that ranged from mild to, oh, the hottest pepper in the world — and instructed them to create a dish highlighting one pepper, with the hotter peppers giving the chefs a chance to win more money should they emerge victorious in this Quickfire. This seems like a generally great premise for Quickfires from now on — the chance for better prizes if you challenge yourself more. Let’s hope they return to this idea, since it spices up (heyo!) what is already proving to be a seemingly endless season (how are there still fifteen chefs left?!).

Beverly picked one of the most mild peppers, explaining that she chose it to make the best-tasting dish, and not for the money. Which is all well and good, except the point of the Quickfires is to win money. She also didn’t cook her chile at all, despite the very important lessons last week (see: shrimp, tortillas) that you must cook things to win on this show. Unsurprisingly, her chile crudite ended up in the bottom, along with Little Richie’s Fresno slaw with seared scallops and “spicy guy” Chuy’s sautéed scallop in achiote. The win went to Paul, who was brave enough to use the ghost chile, thus winning $20,000.

The elimination challenge had chefs do a different type of chili cook-off, focusing on the stew as opposed to the peppers. Apron colors separated the chefs into five teams of three, and everyone immediately started complaining. Nyesha didn’t want to be teamed up with Beverly and Little Richie, while Cute Chris didn’t want to be on the same team as Sarah after she was so mean to Black Hagrid, even though (as she reminded us 85 times throughout the episode) her dad was a bull rider and she is from Texas. Because every challenge must have a twist, the chefs were given all night to cook, and they had to cook in their fancy house. Fire up the fireplaces! (Seriously, they did.)

Creeper Chris wasn’t too happy about cooking outside, because it was hot out. It’s hot in Texas? No kidding! Some cheftestant named Whitney talked a lot during the prep period. Do you remember seeing her before? Because we most definitely did not. Has she been there the whole time? Or was she cleverly planted by the producers to ensure that this season does, in fact, never end? While we were busy being surprised by Whitney’s mere existence, tattooed Dakota was very surprised when Tom showed up at the house. Apparently she has never seen an episode of this show before. Tom’s looking very tan, no? Makes sense: We hear it’s hot in Texas.

Everyone started complaining about being tired and acting delirious around 11 p.m., which seemed a little odd, as chefs’ days are typically over later than that. Naturally, this meant we got a complementary scene in the morning of everyone being soooo tired, with Sarah proving she is the most not-a-morning-person at all. However, the lack of sleep meant a lot of people were a little funnier than usual in the morning. Ty-Lor Boring started threatening sad-faced Lindsay to smile more, while Chuy started doing a great Texas accent and Gail spoke of having a “weird bagel accident.”

This was another the-people-pick-the-winner challenge, but that didn’t stop the judges from talking extensively about their least favorites. Tom was especially not pleased with the black team’s (Beverly, Nyesha, and Little Richie) chili mole with cornbread and the red team’s (Creeper Chris, who-the-hell-are-you Whitney, and Dakota) braised brisket and short rib chili, while other judges thought the white team’s (Lindsay, Ty-lor Boring, and Greyson) three bean and beef chili had no heat.

In the meantime, all the chefs got to go to the rodeo and have a great time — well, all except Beverly, who spent the rodeo crying that her husband wasn’t there with her. “You can’t let your emotions show with the rest of the group because then they’ll perceive you as weak,” said Nyesha, because she seems to have confused Top Chef with The Hunger Games.

Cute Chris didn’t notice the crying, because he was too busy watching Padma ride around on a horse, reminding him of Fabio on the cover of a romance novel. How many of those has he read, exactly? Chris loved her even more when she announced that his team (with Sarah and Chuy) had won the cook-off with their chili con carne. She then proclaimed the black team as the losing team, but gave Nyesha, Beverly, and Little Richie 30 minutes to each transform their chili into something good for a chance to stay. This, plus a judges’ table of mostly joking about being assholes, was also a huge improvement over fifteen minutes of bottom chefs throwing each other under the bus and yelling. Beverly’s seared tuna with habanero creamed corn kept her safe through her tears, but Little Richie’s Frito-crusted pork tenderloin with ricotta and chile puree was bland enough to get him sent home. He and Creeper Chris had a very sad and tender good-bye, ruined by Richie telling Chris to go be the Jedi that he is.

Next week: Moving on to Dallas! Cops! Cooking in a field! Someone pulls their back! It smells like money!

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Tom doesn’t like having his face photographed next to this much pink.

As we’re reintroduced to the actual sixteen Top Chef contestants, after having taken two entire episodes just to get there, we see Beverly putting up an inspirational sign for herself: You see, if she believes she’s already won the competition, then she will eventually win it. We’re going to hang a sign up in our office that says, “This season will get going eventually,” because maybe if we believe that, the editors at Magical Elves will make it so.

The chefs were greeted at their first Quickfire by a tank of snakes and Padma wearing a bandana, because you probably weren’t aware that they’re in Texas. Naturally, the cheftestants have to create a dish using rattlesnake for guest judge Johnny Hernandez, who explained that rattlesnake is traditional in Texas cuisine. We’ve eaten quite a few meals in Houston and never seen rattlesnake, so this was news to us. Not that it matters, because it was clear that the only purpose to this challenge was to allow Padma to say, “I better see some motherfucking snakes on some motherfucking plates.”

Everyone was grossed out except Chuy, who mentioned yet again that he grew up slaughtering animals, so he’s cool with everything. Dakota was the most freaked out by the snakes, but won despite her fear for her beer-battered tempura rattlesnake. We’d also like to give an honorary win to creeper Chris for making a Dazed and Confused joke.

Knife-drawing separated the chefs into Green Team and Pink Team for the elimination challenge: Cook elegant Mexican cuisine, and a great cake, for more than 100 guests at the lovely Blanca Flores’s quinceañera. Chuy was very excited for the challenge, as he is the season’s “resident Mexican” and also knows how to slaughter a goat. What are the odds that he brings up animal slaughter every week? We’ll put them at even. The first shopping trip was the usual yelling mishmash, but with an extra side of hypocrisy from the pink team: When sad-faced Lindsey found out Black Hagrid bought precooked shrimp for a mystery dish, she made a speech about how baffled she was that someone thought buying something precooked was okay … and then proceeded to buy store-bought tortillas, an equally egregious offense in our book. She and Sarah then decided to team up on Black Hagrid, making him feel very alone.

The green team sailed during their prep period, with Chuy falling into the leadership role for this challenge pretty naturally. Their dishes, even their leaning tower of flowery cake, impressed the judges and Blanca more, and they got the win. (It should be said that the real win goes to Blanca, who was a perfect hostess at 15, checking in on all her guests repeatedly. Go enjoy your party, girl!)

The entire pink team did not get called in to judges’ table; only Ty-Lor Boring (fire-roasted summer fritter with avocado mousse), Black Hagrid (chicken enchiladas), and Sarah and Lindsey (chochinita pibil). “This is my first judges’ table,” Sarah informed us, which was weird, because the season just started, so, like, yeah. She quickly threw Hagrid under the bus about buying the precooked shrimp, but Hagrid fought back pretty well, pointing out that there were others that let him do that. He also gained some defense when the judges realized that Sarah and Lindsey never told him that enchiladas should be made with corn tortillas, not flour. Unfortunately, Hugh’s concern about Hagrid’s shopping skills (and he was quite concerned — he makes the most exaggerated facial expressions, is it the eyebrow?) was too great, and our gentle giant was the first to go home. We veto this. Look at those pants! We’re pretty sure our mom has those as pajama pants! How can you send those pants home, Umbridge Padma?

Next week: a chili cook-off! A rodeo! No sleeping! An A League of Their Own reference! And … what’s this? There’s a chance to get Black Hagrid back? Go online and vote or whatever it is you have to do to get him back, loyal commentarati!

But of course, next week is also Thanksgiving, which means we’ll have the recap up the following Monday, after everyone has had a chance to finish their turkey.

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There will be a LOT more of this.

Last night’s Top Chef immediately kicked off in The Bubble, as a friendly reminder that the competition hasn’t even really started yet. Group Three then entered the kitchen and forced us to come up with even weirder tricks than last week to remember who everyone was. (Highlights from our notes: “Chaz has a crush on Padma and we have to DEAL WITH IT”; “Beverly has a really cute fat baby”; “Bernice … makes me think of ‘Crazy Old Maurice’ since Beauty and the Beast was on last weekend.”) The producers were kind enough to make up for this cluster…fudge of people by actually giving us another decent twist: Only after the chefs fought over normal ingredients did they find out that they’d only have 20, 40, or 60 minutes to cook what they chose.

Less-jolly-looking Yukon Cornelius was very concerned about only having twenty minutes to cook mushrooms, while Redhead Ashley decided to use her full hour to try cooking her oxtail in a pressure cooker, despite not being familiar with the technique. Has there ever been a time on this show when trying out something new in the heat of the moment has worked? You should probably save that for the Quickfires, kids. Meanwhile, Padma-lover Chaz made some weird comment about how this situation was like being a Navy Seal versus being a G.I. Joe, because that is an excellent metaphor for cooking. Tom Colicchio doppelgänger Laurent also taught us a really interesting lesson this episode: If you grow up in France, you can become a cook, a priest, or an army guy. That’s it, guys — just un, deux, trois jobs in France. No wonder they’re always striking.

Because being in the last group is the worst, only three chefs got a coat: From-Austin Paul (he made trout), Sad-faced Lindsay (veal over polenta), and Cute-baby-haver Beverly (Korean-style octopus). Yukon Andrew and Laurent got the joy of going to the Bubble, while all the chefs at the house discussed how terrible it would be to have to cook again. We’d hate to be the ones to break it to them how Top Chef works.

Over in the Bubble, which finally got dealt with and did not get drawn out to a third episode, the six chefs were allowed to use any ingredients to make a dish that proved why they should stay. Janine did math for some reason and informed us that this meant everyone had a 33 percent chance of staying, while Cruiseship-chef Molly complained that this challenge was too hard. This challenge where the chefs were allowed to cook to their strengths.

This segment of the show gave us some other interesting insights into the cheftestants. Grayson Schmitz (whom we want to either call Schmitzel or Schmutz, please advise in the comments), for example, shared that when she was 15 years old all she wanted to do was drink, while Edward wanted to prove that you don’t need to be in New York to cook good food, an odd sentiment considering this season features hardly any NYC chefs and about 87 from Chicago. He then sliced his hand open and filled some rubber gloves with blood, which was a delight to see.

The Bubble dishes were almost entirely seafood with the exception of Ed: stuffed prawns with soy-glazed watermelon from cruise chef Molly, seared scallops with watermelon from Janine, bacon-wrapped shrimp with figs from Schmitzel, scallops two ways from Laurent, mussels from Yukon Andrew, and duck with barbecue sauce (or is that blood?) from Ed. The judges dragged this judges’ table out for fifteen minutes, as they are wont to do. This was incredibly boring at this stage in the competition where we only know people’s names because they flash them on the screen every time. We know this is the “biggest season ever” because Texas, but this was a pretty boring way to kick things off. Anyway, Ed and Schmutz got coats (and Ed got a fixed hand), as well as warm greetings by Black Hagrid when they arrived at the house, because he is Hagrid.

This season: The chefs go all over Texas (three cities)! Padma makes a Snakes on a Plane joke! More people bleed all over the place! People cry in cowboy hats! We get reminded that this is the biggest season ever approximately 200 more times! There will also be online episodes where chefs that got kicked off get to come back, because apparently biggest season ever means even more episodes!

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