It’s officially spring, and there are tons of signs that we’re living in a brave new world: Martha Stewart live-tweeted her dental work, pink slime plants are closing left and right, and restaurant employees are protesting for paid sick leave. The seasons turn, but where food is concerned there will always be weirdness. We’ve combed through the headlines and gathered the strangest items in the James Weird awards, straight ahead.

• A couple in the U.K. was in the middle of celebrating the purchase of their new home when the entire kitchen floor collapsed under their feet. The worst part: The beautiful kitchen, complete with a large range cooker, was one of the reasons why they bought the house in the first place. [Daily Mail UK]

• J&D’s Foods, purveyors of terrifying bacon-related products like Bacon Salt, Baconnaise, and Bacon Lube, has created a Bacon Coffin “for those who love bacon to death.” The functioning casket (painted to resemble a crispy strip) comes with a bacon air freshener, obviously. No returns accepted, but we’d suggest checking the date (April Fools!) before ordering one. [CHOW]

• A grocery store employee in Chicago was arrested after police noticed packages of stolen meat stuffed in his shirt and hanging out of the cuff of his pant leg. [TribLocal]

• Sad: A woman in California is accused of assisting an 86-year-old World War II vet to take his own life by feeding him Oxycontin-laced yogurt. [MSNBC]

• A fleet-footed thief in Maine ran between a car and a McDonald’s takeout window to snatch a bag of food before it could reach its hungry passengers. The police found the man digging into his burgled meal in a nearby parking lot, but he escaped into some woods, where we imagine he will survive by snatching acorns out of the paws of tiny squirrels. [Kennebec Journal]

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Between product recalls and trans-fat wars, it can be easy to forget that food is fun. Luckily, this week was dominated by lighthearted food-related headlines: Marilyn Hagerty’s adorable New York food tour, George Clooney-approved tequila, and the universal truth that “someday, somebody’s gonna make you want to gobble up a waffle fry.” But the weird stuff still found its way into the news, and we’ve gathered the best bits in the James Weird awards, straight ahead.

• Australia’s most-wanted man was finally captured by a police dragnet after spending seven years hiding in the country’s bushland, where he survived on a diet of kangaroos and other animals. Police described the man as “a master bushman,” which we suppose you’d have to be in order to routinely kill large marsupials to survive. [MSNBC]

• A Burger King restaurant in Florida was robbed by a man wearing a Ronald Reagan mask, earning creativity points from absolutely no one. He got away with an undisclosed sum and is still on the lam. Keep your eyes peeled for the Gipper! [HuffPo]

• A massive food fight at a middle school outside Cleveland turned violent last week, escalating into a brawl that resulted in over twenty injuries. Further proof that food fights are only awesome in the movies. [Buzzfeed]

• The next time you want to complain about your meal in a restaurant, consider the family in Calgary whose attempt to address their concerns with the manager was met with the chef himself waving a meat cleaver at them. [Calgary Herald]

• A urologists’ group in Cape Cod gave away free pizzas to vasectomy patients in an effort to drum up awareness and business. Definitely seems like a fair trade. [Grub Street Boston]

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The food world tried to teach us a few lessons this week. First: Don’t swallow cinnamon (unless you put it on some applesauce or buttered toast first). Second: Don’t steal from poor, defenseless food carts, because it’s rude. Third: Do not, under any circumstances, provoke a cranky Jamie Oliver. He will snap. More what-not-to-do parables can be found in the James Weird awards, straight ahead.

• A man in Florida stole a six-foot-tall pizza costume from a Papa John’s restaurant by simply leaving the restaurant while dressed in it. The man was accompanied by an entourage of six people, who we assume intended to distract employees from the sight of a giant slice of pizza (complete with pepperoni, mushrooms, green peppers and black olives) walking out the door. Well done, entourage! [ABC Action News]

• Thieves stole a 500-pound beehive valued at over $1,000 from outside a restaurant in Houston. The restaurant’s chef told local media that the thieves were wise to the bees’ habits, since the theft occurred on a cold, rainy day when the bees were likely to be less active. Lesson: Chilly, sleepy bees make better targets. [HuffPo]

• A quartet of undercover base-jumpers skipped out on the check at a penthouse cocktail bar in Melbourne, Australia by jumping out the window. Parachutes helped the friends survive the 55-floor drop to the ground, where a getaway car was waiting. One can only imagine the stunt they’d pull for a pricey steak dinner. [Sun UK]

• A billboard erected by the Physicians Committee for Responsible Medicine in Chicago reading “Hot Dogs Cause Butt Cancer” has caught the ire of the National Hot Dog & Sausage Council, who claim the PCRM is attempting to “create a vegan society” by vilifying hot dogs. Hey, every group needs an arch-nemesis. [Chicago Tribune]

• Beijing officials are planning to re-translate into English the names of over 3,000 Chinese menu items so tourists can avoid the awkwardness that comes with ordering foods like “chicken without sex life” (young, tender chicken) or “bean curd made by woman with freckles” (mapo tofu). [China Daily]

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The week in food has so far included USDA-endorsed “soylent pink” and a diet that advocates tasting without eating. It’s also given us a few delightfully (and in some cases, distressingly) odd news items that we’ve gathered for your perusal. Check ‘em out in the James Weird Awards, straight ahead.

• A man in Michigan has filed a class-action lawsuit against his local AMC movie theater, alleging that the chain charges unfair prices for its concessions stand drinks and snacks. Can’t he just sneak in a purse full of Junior Mints like the rest of us? [Detroit Free Press]

• If you’re a lady with a hankering to wrestle in something other than Jell-O or pudding, consider entering the coleslaw wrestling contest at Bike Week 2012 in Daytona. If another gal doesn’t knock you out, it’s entirely possible that the smell of oiled cabbage in 90-degree heat will. [HuffPo]

• A man in Florida was arrested after allegedly assaulting his mother when she used his “salsa and taco sauce” without permission. No salsa on Earth is worth a misdemeanor domestic battery charge, guy. [Smoking Gun]

• After a family event, an adorable 3-year-old girl was left at a Chuck E. Cheese in Maryland by her parents, who didn’t realize she was missing until the story was covered by the 11 p.m. local news. [CBS]

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This week, we were terrified by the Times‘ map of DOH grades and delighted by the idea of a Thin Mint-cookie candy bar. Most of the other stuff we discovered was just plain weird, and we’ve gathered it all in the James Weird awards, straight ahead.

• The Maine State Aquarium will be making lots of room for its newest donation: A 27-pound lobster named Rocky. Give that a second to sink in. It’s bigger than a small child and it has claws. Plus, the lobster boil could feed your whole extended family. [HuffPo]

• A woman in Cornwall, England, has eaten more than 100 bars of organic soap and over 4,000 sponges owing to a rare eating disorder called pica. Though she is now in counseling and must adhere to a strict diet, at one point the woman was knocking back sponges like crackers, and topping them with condiments like barbecue sauce, mustard, jam, or honey. [Sun UK]

• A soccer player at the University of Georgia was arrested after she tried to sneak out of a café with stolen hash browns stuffed in her pants. According to police records, when an employee spotted the theft, the woman tried to put the potatoes back on the counter like nothing had happened. [AJC]

• You know the phrase, “Fake it till you make it”? A Wisconsin man with drug problems took that to heart last weekend when he walked into a Denny’s, told the general manager that he was her replacement, effective immediately, then made himself a meal of a burger, fries, and a soda. “This is why you don’t dine and dash, kiddies,” he yelled at onlookers as he was escorted off the premises by police. [AP via MSNBC]

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The world was a little too busy with shark fin drama, a never-ending season of Top Chef Texas, and 7-Eleven’s NYC domination to provide us with much weird food-related goings-on this week. We uncovered some odd gems anyway, which you can read about in the James Weird awards, straight ahead.

• Spurred by a jokey Twitter request from Charlatans front man Tim Burgess, Kellogg’s created a single box of a brand-new cereal called Totes Amazeballs. The ingredients: marshmallows, shortbread pieces, raisins, coco Pops Rocks, and rocky road cake. [AdWeek]

• Can you spell “civil disobedience”? A group of 30 seventh graders at a Texas middle school staged a four-day boycott of their cafeteria to protest the lack of variety in lunchtime offerings. “If we have hurt anyone’s feelings we are sincerely sorry, as it was unintentional,” they said in a letter to the school’s administration. Ah, youth. [HuffPo]

• Skiers and snowboarders in California’s Squaw Valley can now snag a cuppa at Starbucks’s first ski-in, ski-out location. Boring old equipment-free customers will also be accommodated. [On the Snow]

• First chicken nuggets, now this: A woman in London claims to have eaten nothing but plain cheese pizza for every meal for 31 years. Her doctors assure her that without the proper vitamins and minerals found in a varied diet, she could develop severe health problems. Ya think? [HuffPo]

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Sour Patch-packaged weed is a real thing, which we learned about this week. Also real: McBaguettes, a Bon Rappetite cookbook, and a few other odd occurrences of note, which we’ve helpfully compiled in the James Weird awards, straight ahead.

• The most expensive Starbucks drink, allegedly, is made up of sixteen shots of espresso, a shot of soy milk, and other additives including caramel flavoring, vanilla beans, fruit purées, and Matcha powder, then served in the coffee chain’s enormous Trenta cup for good measure. Try-anything adventurers, take note: If you downed the entire beverage, it would probably kill you. [Eater NY]

• Firefighters in Pennsylvania saved 200 pounds of Polish sausage after a small smokehouse belonging to a retired meat cutter caught fire in the man’s backyard. “This is definitely the best-smelling fire we’ve seen in a long time,” the assistant fire chief said, awesomely. [HuffPo]

• A Utah woman found guilty of spiking a 79-year-old man’s peach smoothie with antifreeze was sentenced to three consecutive prison terms for the crime. The woman also took control of the man’s bank accounts, stole $10,000 from him, and named herself the beneficiary of his life insurance policies; the poisoning was really just the cherry on a sundae of horribleness. [HuffPo]

• A dangerous trend is sweeping factory-scale hog farms in the Midwest: exploding pig poop. Researchers have figured out that the layer of surface foam that forms on some manure pits effectively seals in gases from the excrement, like methane, but that one tiny agitation of this seal could release the gas and cause a fire or explosion if set aflame. If the visuals aren’t enough, just imagine the smell. [Mother Jones]

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While we were distracted by Crif Dogs’ line of condoms and the revelation that Wolfgang Puck used to be shy, weird food stuff was going on right under our noses. So much weird food stuff! We’ve compiled the best of it in this week’s edition of the James Weird Awards, straight ahead.

• The bacon milkshake so gleefully introduced this week by fast-food chain Jack in the Box contains nary a trace of real bacon. File under “disappointing, but not altogether unexpected.” [Chow]

• A man walked out of a Sacramento bank with a sack full of cash after claiming there was a bomb hidden in his McDonald’s food bag. The “bomb” turned out to be a few McDonald’s boxed apple pies, and the man was apprehended just a few blocks from the scene. We have to agree with the police officer who noted, “Clearly he’s not that good at bank robbery.” [NYDN]

• Looking for a little something to get you through the seemingly never-ending Girl Scout cookie off-season? Family Dollar stocks a brand of $1.75-per-box taste-alikes all year ’round. You didn’t hear it from us. [Brokelyn]

• A man who was run over by a car in 2009 after a night of drunkenly dominating the beer pong table at a local bar tried to sue the bar for allowing him to get drunk enough to be run over by a car. That sounds exactly like a drunk person’s logic. [NYP via Gothamist]

• A Florida judge presiding over a domestic dispute case ordered the husband to treat his wife to flowers, bowling, and dinner for two at Red Lobster. In what world are unlimited Cheddar Bay Biscuits considered appropriate punishment for shoving your wife? [Daily Mail UK]

• In what sounds like a horrifying incident at a KFC in Glasgow, Scotland, a customer was attacked at random by a man who bit part of the patron’s ear off. [HuffPo]

• Dousing clams with gasoline and lighting them on fire in a gravel pit sounds like the kind of thing a group of stupid foodie teenagers might do for fun, but it’s actually common practice in North Korea. The method produces great-tasting (if slightly under-cooked) clams with no gasoline aftertaste. [HuffPo]

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From chicken-nugget diets to an agoraphobic’s collection of over 4,500 restaurant menus, this has been yet another banner week for strange food news. For a full roundup, check out the James Weird awards, straight ahead.

• Which came first, the smell of freshly popped popcorn or the smell of a bearcat’s rear end? No one knows the exact chemistry behind it, but the scent secreted by binturong females in heat produces an odor that definitely resembles the concessions counter at a movie theater. [Wired]

• A 10-year-old boy in North Carolina nearly choked on a worm that was trapped inside a Capri Sun pouch. When he and his mother reached out to Kraft Foods (the parent company of Capri Sun), the company said in a statement that they believed the “worm” was actually mold, which often grows in the preservative-free juice when it is exposed to air through a hole or tear in the packaging. That Kraft didn’t seem phased by the idea of mold in their beverages does not set the mind at ease. [HuffPo]

• If you publicly condemn the illegal activities of your local mafia, there’s a good chance they will put a severed pig’s head on your doorstep. A well-meaning Italian priest found this out the hard way. [Daily Mail UK]

• Sad and horrible: A woman died in a house fire that raged while her family, including her granddaughter, ate dinner downstairs. The family didn’t realize the second floor of the house was in flames until a neighbor knocked on their door. [NYDN]

• A high-school principal in Connecticut was put on leave after he witnessed students taking the “cinnamon challenge” — in which the participant tries to swallow a spoonful of cinnamon — and did nothing to stop it. When consulted for a local news story on the matter, the director of the Yale University Research Center admitted that the challenge could lead to respiratory distress. He also said, “What is the point of this? It’s just ridiculous.” Wait till he hears about the saltine challenge! [New Haven Register]

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After last week’s shenanigans, a slight drop-off in weird food news was to be expected, but we still saw penis cakes, geoengineered food, and strange PR stunts in the mix. For more, check out the James Weird Awards, straight ahead.

• After receiving a box of Georgetown Cupcakes from some colleagues, Senator Harry Reid immediately re-gifted the box to members of the press, claiming, “My staff is far too fat.” He then dubbed one reporter “the cupcake man” and made him responsible for distributing the confections. [Washington Scene]

• Streets in a town in northern Poland literally ran with blood when the sewer system underneath a local slaughterhouse became clogged. Video shows the blood gurgling out of street drains like rain after a heavy summer rainfall, and yeah, it’s pretty gross. [HuffPo]

• A crowd of chanting protesters descended on a restaurant in Canberra where Australian prime minister Julia Gillard was attending an Australia Day awards ceremony, forcing her to be escorted out by riot police. A more elaborate version of the dine-and-dash, perhaps? [Daily Mail UK]

• A medical-marijuana mouth spray (providing “maximum benefit without feeling high”) could be headed for distribution next year if its manufacturer can get clearance from the FDA. It’s like a munchies inducer and a breath freshener all in one. [CBS St. Louis]

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There was so much weird food news this week! So much: Horrifying anti-cheese ads, Burger King home delivery, and Paula Deen’s diabetes drug endorsement — and that’s just the tip of the iceberg lettuce. For a look at the week’s other strange goings-on, check out the James Weird Awards, straight ahead.

• When the NYPD finally broke up a noted Harlem drug ring last night after a fifteen-month investigation, they found 2.5 gallons of PCP stored in Hawaiian Punch bottles. Bonus points for recycling? [DNAinfo]

• In Los Angeles, a man was arrested for spiking his wife’s bowl of Rice Krispies with poison. The woman was luckily awake enough to notice her breakfast’s strange smell and taste before she ate too much of it. [HuffPo]

• Have you ever wanted to get your dog drunk? Well, you can’t, and you shouldn’t. It’s irresponsible. Thankfully, a pub in the U.K. has made it possible for man’s best friend to down a cold one by serving non-alcoholic, non-carbonated drinks made specifically for patrons’ pets. Also on the menu: Pup-approved bar snacks! [Metro UK]

• A former McDonald’s employee in Philadelphia recorded video on his cell phone of a mouse running wild inside a closed bag of Big Mac buns. He alleges that his manager told the employees to wipe off mouse droppings from the buns before serving them to customers. You know, as a courtesy. [HuffPo]

• A grandmother spending the afternoon at a Dearborn Chuck E. Cheese with her family asked the people at a table nearby to refrain from using bad language in front of the children. A man at the table took offense and started attacking the woman, punching her in the face and pulling her hair. Chuck E. Cheese serves beer to adults (who knew?), but authorities don’t think that played a role in the assault. [WJBK]

• A winery in Chile has released a Cabernet Sauvignon aged with a 4.5 billion-year-old meteorite that was said to have crashed in the Atacama Desert 6,000 years ago. The vineyard’s owner says the meteorite gives the wine a “livelier taste,” but we say that’s what the aliens want us to think. [The Drinks Business via Eatocracy/CNN]

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You know what’s weird? Thinking that calling a community board member a “communist” will speed up the liquor license process; vomiting up half a dinner then rallying to get through dessert; and emu eggs, in general. For more weirdness, check out the James Weird awards, straight ahead.

• Boners BBQ is a very real restaurant in Atlanta (tagline: “Put a little South in your mouth”) with a very real need for a PR professional who will advise the staff against posting mean messages about their customers on Facebook. [UnMarketing]

• A group of disgruntled Hong Kong stockbrokers took to the streets to protest plans to shorten their lunch break by 30 minutes. Under the new rules, the employees’ break would be limited to an hour instead of an hour and a half, which was already shorter than the two-hour break they had enjoyed in the previous year. [HuffPo]

• Buzzfeed has compiled a list of the 30 best taco-related crimes, leading us to ask yet again: What is it about tacos that inspires such weird behavior? You don’t hear about people being so destructive in relation to hamburgers. [Buzzfeed]

• Ron Silver, owner and chef of Bubby’s, told employees at the restaurant’s Yokohama, Japan, branch that he expected the food to be “fuckin’ fresh.” When the employees questioned him, he reiterated: “I mean fucking fresh, man. Do not fuck around with this thing.” They took his advice to heart, and now, two years later, “Fuckin’ fresh” is the shop’s wildly successful motto. [Gawker]

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